Tammy's Tips

Tip 23 is on Ending Relationships.  After last weeks responses to Never Burn Bridges I decided to do this week's Tip on how and when to end certain relationships.  Even though I am a firm believer in Newer Burn Bridges there are times that we all need to remove relationships from our lives that no longer work for us.  So how and when do we go about this is the question.

First let me say that everyone makes mistakes.  None of us are perfect and often times we personalize the mistake that is made and feel anger and resentment towards another. Before ending the relationship I think you should ask yourself several questions.  Is it personal?  Did someone deliberately set our to sabotage you or stab you in the back.  If this the case then you can do one of two things.  Either discuss the situation with the other person looking for motive or reasons why they are acting this way or end the relationship. Perhaps you had done or said something to start the inner turmoil in the relationship. Sometimes just taking the opportunity to talk it out can help to salvage a relationship.  How someone responds to this confrontation of feelings will really uncover the true strength of the other person to deal with problems and the true strength of the relationship.  A friend would want to respond to the error in a way that makes you feel heard and understood. Make sure when communicating you speak from "I feel...,"  instead of "You made me feel...," Don't blame the other person in the communication because that will just put the other person on the defensive.  If you talk from you own experience and feelings there is nothing to defend.  No one can take away your own feelings about a situation.  Dory Previn said, "What most of us want is to be heard, to communicate." 

If someone comes to you to discuss a problem please take the time to hear them out.  Let them tell you everything until there is nothing left to tell.  I recommend when they are done to thank them for sharing their feelings with you.  If you feel that you may have done something wrong apologize immediately.  Even if you feel you did nothing wrong apologize that they feel the way they do.  Don't make excuses - all excuses are lame.  Take responsibility and try your best to rectify the situation.  You may or may not be able to make things right, but your efforts and concern will be greatly appreciated.  Caution - Do not get mad or start  to defend yourself.  Elizabeth Kenny said, "He who angers you, conquers you."

If the relationship cannot be salvaged Do Not Burn The Bridge.  No matter how upset you are, no matter how hurt you may feel, no matter how justified you are Do Not Burn The Bridge.  You just never know when your paths will cross again.  Agree to disagree.  Having someone out there in the world saying bad things about you is the worst thing imaginable. All the good publicity you can buy in the world cannot salvage you from bad publicity.  It is very hard to overcome the negative opinions of others or to repair a damaged reputation.  It is better to make amends, kiss &*$ if you must to end a relationship in away that leaves the other person feeling neuteral.  Sometimes it may cost you money out of pocket to keep someone at bay and I truly believe within reason that it is worth it to pay the cost rather than have that one person out there doing you harm. Even if you want nothing to do with this person again try to end it on a good note.  Please remember never to bad mouth someone else.  It will get back to them and "if you have nothing nice to say say nothing."

You will always meet people who don't do what they say they are going to do, who put their nose in where it doesn't belong, who are never happy and always negative.  Remember this great quote from Kahlil Gibran, "I have learned silence from the talkative; tolerance from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind.  I should not be ungrateful to those teachers."  Every single person and every single experience provides a learning opportunity for us all.  Some relationship will eventually end and this is okay.  Sometimes we outgrow certain people or we grow in different directions.  It's okay to end relationships and it can be done without burning bridges.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” – Hermen Hesse

Tip 22 is on Never Burning Bridges.  We have all wanted to cut people out of our life at one time or another.  Many times someone we thought was a friend or someone that we trusted stabbed us in the back when we weren't looking.  It has happened to all of us and it can really bring out the worst in us.  We immediately feel betrayed, angry and vengeful.  We start planning our revenge and sometimes we can become obsessed by the thought that someone we trusted screwed us royally when we least expected.  How do we overcome these feelings and deal with them in a rational manner.

I am a firm believer in "What goes around comes around."  Often times there is nothing that we need to do because somehow the world rights our wrongs.  My grandmother used always say, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."  It is not always easy to keep your enemies close, but if you can it's a great way of keeping close tabs on them so that you can try to prevent future wrongs.  I think that it is a good practice that if you have nothing nice to say about someone say nothing.  Usually gossip and bad mouthing someone else comes back to bite you eventually.  Be careful of what you say about others because chances are somehow it will get back to them.  

I am also a firm believer in trying to right any wrong if you can especially if it involves a customer.  You definitely cannot make all people happy all of the time.  Eventually, someone will complain to you that they are not happy.  Always apologize that they feel wronged - even if you do not feel you are in the wrong.  Sometimes people just want to be heard and acknowledged.  If their complaint is serious see what it is that you can do within reason to rectify the situation.  A little effort can go a long way.  Sometimes no matter what you do, it is never going to make the other person happy.  There will be people out there that no matter what you do they will still complain and feel that you wronged them.  There is nothing we can do to change the other person's opinion so there are times that we need to cut our losses and move on.

I can tell you that you just never know who and when you will come in contact with that person again.  I recently walked into a luncheon where one of the guests was someone I had not spoken to for years and we did not leave on good terms.  Over the years I never once said a bad word about her and I did do everything within reason to try and rectify the situation.  When she saw me she was as surprised as I was, but we were able to put the past behind us and move on.  We ended up sitting together and then going out for drinks to catch up. Another situation occurred right after my mom passed away.  An old friend who had burned me in the past came to the funeral.  I was so surprised to see her and yet appreciated that she wanted to pay her respects.  It took quite a long time for me to forgive her and I will never forget what had happened, but we are now trying to rebuild the friendship we once had.  So you just never know...,

“Never burn bridges, they may fall on you."  - Anonymous 

Tip 21 is on Endless Referrals.  Wow!!! What do we need to do in order to create a steady stream of endless referrals.  Bob Burg who is quoted above has a book called Endless Referrals.  His book is fabulous in explaining in detail how to create endless referrals and I recommend the book for anyone who is new to networking.  I am going to give you a short concise look into how I created endless referrals in my business.  First off, print out the above quote and tape it above your computer, put it near your phone and read it first thing in the morning every morning to remind you that people will only do business with people they know, like and trust.  So how do we earn this honor?  One referral at a time...,

To know, like and trust another person one must build relationships with their prospects and then eventually their clients.  Building relationships starts with listening.  Be a good listener all the time.  Listen for peoples problems, issues, concerns so that you are able to offer solutions, suggestions and referrals.  Ask good questions so that you can learn as much as possible about people.  The more you remember about them the more they will like you.  Zig Ziglar has said, “If people like you they will listen to you, but if they trust you they will do business with you."  Good questions take many forms; What made you do this for your business?  What makes you stand out from your competition?  When you are not working what do you like to do?  Anything good planned this weekend?  Don't just commit the information to memory, write it down or use a computer based program like Outlook or ACT to gather as much information as possible (back of their business card works good during networking events). 

Building relationships continues with giving.  I can assure you that the more you give the more you will get.  Give great customer service all the time and make sure that your customers want to keep coming back for more and eventually refer you their friends and business acquaintances.  Introduce like people to each other - network everyone that you know to help increase everyone's chances of doing more business.  Clip and send relevant articles that you think they might be interested in, invite them to lunch or a business meeting and send them referral business.  Ralph Waldo Emerson has said, “It is one of the greatest compensations in life that no one can help another without helping themselves."  

Building relationships is cemented with trust.  Building trust takes time but without it there can be no relationship.  Trust is the foundation to all relationships both business and personal.  People will trust you if you follow through, follow up and make yourself accessible.  Under promise and over deliver is a good motto to live by and never ever lie.  Do what you say you are going to do, when you say you will do it, all the time, no excuses.  Make sure that you walk your talk.  My mom used to always say, “It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation and 15 seconds to destroy it."  Your reputation is one of your best marketing tools, but once destroyed it is almost impossible to recover.

"The way you position yourself in the beginning of a relationship has a profound impact on where you end up." - Ron Karr

Tip 20 is on Victims of Procrastination.  What is procrastination and why do we all suffer from it.  Webster's New World College Dictionary defines it as, "belonging to tomorrow, to put off doing something unpleasant or burdensome until a future time, to postpone such actions habitually."  So why do we procrastinate?  

Even the most motivated people in the world procrastinate from time to time.  We all get lazy and put off projects that we need to work on until some later date/  Most of the time it really is something unpleasant or burdensome and sometimes it's just something we would rather nor do or there is something we would rather do more.  I personally find that I set up little things to busy myself with so that I can justify to myself why I am not addressing the real matters at hand.  An example is that I will clear off my desk before I start paying bills or I will return a few emails before I write the difficult letter.

Some of us procrastinate because we are afraid of failure.  If we actually go after our dream what will happen if we can't get there or we are not successful.  Sometimes we actually start a new project only to experience rejection and we quickly become discouraged.  A few negative responses may provoke us to give up too soon.  I can remember when I was in the garment center making cold calls, my boss and mentor, Richie Wood, would always remind me that for every 100 rejections 1 positive reply is good.  So I used to make a game of it and keep a tally.  Every time someone said no I would thank them.  They would often ask why I was thanking them for saying no and I would explain that 1 more no brings me closer to the yes!!

When I was practicing law I had this quote by Abraham Lincoln framed in my office, "The leading rule for the lawyer, as for the man of every other calling, is diligence.Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today."  Keep that in mind when you look at your daily To-Do List.  Don't you just love to check those items off you list.  I know that I do and I sleep better at night when I know that I have accomplished items on my list.  Try breaking up your projects into smaller segments.  If you can accomplish one small part of the project and work on the rest later or the next day you are getting closer to completion.

Tip 19 is on Reaching Your Dreams.  Obviously, this is not as easy as it sounds.  If it were easy the world would be full of happy people all living their life purpose and content with what life brings them.  Most of us are not happy nor are we content with what we have.  To reach your dreams you will first have to identify what those dreams are, make the decision to pursue those dreams and be prepared to look for new paths when obstacles present themselves, which we all know that they will.

Identifying your dreams is the hard part.  When we were young our imaginations ran wild, we were free to pretend to be anything that we wanted to be.  I can remember as a child playing house with my girlfriends - I was never the the mother - I always wanted to be the father.  I was either an attorney or The President of the United States of America.  I had lofty dreams back then, but it is no mistake that I ended up going to law school to become an attorney.  I pursued that dream much later in life since I started college at 26 and it took 8 years to get my Bachelor's Degree.  I worked full time and went to school nights and weekends.  I kept going because I knew in 8 years I would either be 34 with a college degree or 34 without one.  I chose the former and boy did it take a long time and a lot of hard work.  I finished law school at 37 - finally, and became a licensed Florida attorney.  The point I am making is that it is never too late to go after your dreams and with a lot of hard work and determination anything is possible.  What did you want to be when you grew up?

Sometimes our dreams change.  Sometimes we find that we pursued someone else's dream - like a parent or a spouse and we are not happy with the choices that we made.  Sometimes we find that the rug is pulled out from under us - like we lose our job or our spouse wants a divorce.  The loss of a job is what motivated me to go to college to get my degree.  I am now pursing a career in professional speaking because if brings me so much pleasure and I I've been told time and time again that I really make a difference in the lives of others.  When you discover a new dream later in life go for it.  It's never too late to pursue your dreams as long as you believe in your abilities and have the courage to persevere.  Life takes many twists and turns and there will be many times when we will need to take adversity in stride.  Remember, "When one door closes another one will open."

Many of us have talents, some even have hidden talents.  What are they for you?  My sister-in-law,  a licensed psychologist, has a passion for writing.  She committed herself to write a short childrens' story. She even enrolled in a writing group in pursuit of her dream. She has been working on this for a very long time and she is committed.  When she talks about her writing her whole demeanor changes.  Her face lights up and she gets so excited!! This is the stuff that dreams are made of!! Some of us are good at sales - some of us are good at numbers - what ever it is that you are good at or that gets you excited - that is a good place to start.  I have heard it said many times, "Do what you love and money will follow."  When you are passionate about something and truly committed to the success it is inevitable that you will find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!!  I wish you all good luck in finding your passions.

“If one advances confidently of their dreams and endeavors to live the life they've imagined, they will meet success unexpected in common hours. " - David Thoreau

Tip 16 is on Encouragement At Its Finest.  There is a world of difference between criticism and encouragement.  Webster's New World College Dictionary defines the word Encourage as, "to give courage; hope or confidence to; embolden; hearten; to give support to; be favorable to; foster; help." It also defines the word criticism as, "the act of making judgments; analysis of qualities and evaluation or comparative worth."  WOW is all I can say.  There is really a huge difference between encouragement and criticism.  They both are taken by the receiver quite differently as well.  Think about the last time someone gave you encouragement and think about how wonderful it made you feel.  Words of encouragement can make your day, put a lift in your step and a smile on your face.  However, when you think about the last time someone criticized you it had the complete opposite affect on you.  Criticism makes you feel horrible, self conscious and insecure.

On the February FREE coaching teleseminar one of the participants commented that she just took a new job as a manager for a company that had many archaic procedures that were no longer working that she wanted to change.  Her question was, "How do I make the changes without upsetting all my new subordinates?"  My answer was swift and easy.  I told her to call a department meeting and ENCOURAGE all her team to give their input on what they felt was working and what they felt needed changing.  By encouraging her whole department to participate and to make their opinion matter would allow all of her changes to get implemented without everyone feeling left out of the decision making process.  During the meeting I suggested she try out some of her ideas and get the ENCOURAGEMENT back from her team.  Encouraging others to participate in department decisions allows them to feel part of the team effort.  They have the opportunity to contribute their ideas and feel that they matter.  If she would have just made a unilateral decision to implement new procedures without the department participation it is likely that her changes would have been met with rebellion.  They might have felt that she was criticizing the way they do things or the manager that came before her.

Words of encouragement don't start with "you should" or "you shouldn't." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, "Correction does much, but encouragement does more."  If you have a friend that is trying to lose weight instead of saying, "You should get more exercise or you should eat better foods," perhaps you might instead say, "Hey how about we go for a walk tonight after work or come on over for dinner I am making chef salad."  Which one would you be more receptive to?  This is really important when speaking with children.  They cannot defend themselves and take everything others say as gospel.  Do you best to never ever criticize a child.  One of the best things we can ever do for children is to foster in them great self confidence.

Even with difficult employees it is always better when doing a review to start with the employees best attributes and contributions.  Making someone feel appreciated brings down their defenses and make them feel worthy.  Then follow up with what they could improve on moving forward - giving them goals to work on for the next review.  In Toastmasters we give written and verbal evaluations to all the speakers.  We give them what they call a "sandwich".  Start with a compliment then constructive advice on how they can improve then end with a compliment.  We all are there to improve and sometimes the evaluations are difficult and sometimes they are wonderful.

That brings us to my last comment.  When someone does criticize you or offer you some constructive advice I ENCOURAGE all of you to try it on.  Like a new sweater that you just bought.  Take it home see how it feels.  You might wear it for a few days and decide that it feels good and you can add it to your repertoire.  After a few days you might want to return it and you have the ability to do that.  Some criticism is good and it fits and we grow from it.  Some criticism is not good and it doesn't fit and we can return it if we choose.  We all have areas that could use some improvement so allow yourself to take it all in.  Don't get defensive just try it on.  If it feels right it's really a gift to help you be a better person.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou