Tammy's Tips

"If you have intergrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan Simpson

Tip 76 asks the question: "Who Are You?" This is a great follow up after last week's question "Where Have You Been?" So I ask all of you, "Who Are You?" I really love this anonymous quote, "Character is what you are in the dark." I have often said that "Character is who is looking back at you when you look in the mirror." Character is also the legacy that you leave to your children. It is who you are 20 or 30 years from now when someone meets one of your children and the person says, Wow, I knew your mother when..., What they say and how they view you is the character of what you have left behind. Every single decision, every single choice, and every single business dealing reflects upon who we are and how we are perceived by others. How do you want to be perceived?

Salman Rushdie once said, "Our lives teach us who we are." Our character is built with every experience and every issue that comes our way. After closing my title company a friend came to me about a closing my office handled that was missing doc stamps and now the county was calling her to collect. The bill was $2400 and I took that money out of my personal checking account to make sure she had nothing to worry about and I had nothing out there that could potentially tarnish my good reputation. The damage she could have caused me had I not done the right thing was not worth the money out of pocket. When my title company first opened I was offered all kinds of title work if I passed cash under the table. Tempting yes, but, NO THANKS. I really don't need my children to come visit me in prison.That is not the legacy I want to leave to my children. Many years ago when I was just starting out in law I had my first commercial contract. I called another lawyer that I knew to ask for some guidance and was told to figure it out for myself. Pretty nasty and still 12 years later I am still talking about and never once sent her a referral. That lesson taught me to always share my wealth (knowledge, referrals, forms, employees, advice) with others, there IS enough to go around, and always always always help and mentor those just starting out. Lessons in character appear every single day in many different ways. What do you want others to say about you 12 years later.

So who are you? Are you someone who is there to help a friend out that is in need? My dear friend Laura told me to call George at South County when I was having trouble getting all my observations for Family Law Mediation Certification. She said, "tell him you are my friend." I did just as she suggested and got right in. That is what good friends are all about. Another friend named Laura just lost her job. She works in the event planning industry. She is looking for something in hospitality or corporate event planning. I am attaching her resume because that is the kind of friend I am. When it comes to friends there are sometimes challenges and when you truly believe in someone nothing and I do mean nothing can sway me. I am a very loyal friend and a friend for life. My dear friend Marni just opened a virtual paralegal service, anyone out there that can use her expert services please call her at 561-716-1111 or go to  www.expertlegalassistance.com. Friends are there for each other. They help each other out, give each other advice and listen to the same story over and over again just because. Remember, "To have good friends you must be a good friend."

Who are you in the office? Are you an employee that just gets by hoping not to be found out. Are you someone who takes home office supplies or makes personal calls on company time? Trust me when I tell you, you are not fooling anyone but yourself. Successful people - the ones who climb to the top - they don't hide out and they go above and beyond their duties to impress anyone and everyone to climb the ladder of success. Let's hope they work for the right employers. What kind of boss are you? Do you do the right thing? Take care of your employees? Make them feel needed and appreciated? A true sign of a good employer is when the employees who leave still say great things about you. They are crying on their way out because they loved working for you. They actually do keep in touch. Only you can answer these questions. Remember this quote by Theodore Roosevelt, "Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike."

My life has not been easy the last 2 years, but I have not broken. I just keep going because that is who I am. Character is what defines you when the chips are really down and life is not going your way.  Friedrich Nietzche said it best, "What someone is, begins to be revealed when his talent abates, when he stops showing us what he can do." Just this week on the news I saw a homeless mother and her child looking for shelter in the Florida cold snap. My heart broke to think she is out there with no place to sleep. Here I have this big house with empty beds and it just doesn't seem right. I called my friend Cindy who works with her church to help foster small families when they become homeless. Please send me a single mom. I need to help - I need to do the right thing. Next week I will be meeting with the church officials and hopefully soon I can reach out to a single mom in need. That is the kind of person that I am and the kind of person that I want to teach my son to be. This is my legacy.

"The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can' fight back." - Abigail van Buren (Dear Abby)

“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character." - Dale E. Turner

Tip 70 is on Making Amends. We have discussed burning bridges more than once so today let's tackle making amends. Let's face it we all screw up at one time or another. We make poor choices, impulsive decisions, think with the wrong head, forget where our loyalties lie, gossip about someone we care about and the list goes on and on. The most important thing about making mistakes is our ability to admit that we have made them and learn from them. John Powell said it best, "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." 

So once we admit we have made the mistake what do we do next? Somehow we try to make things right. It sounds easy right? It is not always as easy as it sounds. Making amends may not always be received as we had hoped, especially if we hurt this person we are trying to make amends with more than once. My mom used to always say, "Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me." So depending on how bad the mistake was or how often you have made the same or similar mistakes will determine how easy it is to actually make amends.

Our children often say and do things that hurt and disappoint us. Most, if not all, children lie while they are growing up. I have found it much easier to forgive my children for their mistakes because of my unconditional love. Recently I had an issue with one of my adult sons and was very hurt and expressed my hurt to my son. He did not take it too seriously and really made no effort to mend the bridge that he had burned. He needed me to rescue him from a bad situation last week and I gave tough love my best shot and said NO. It was not easy, but it is a lesson that he needs to learn. I hope in the upcoming weeks he goes to work on mending our bridge so that the next time he needs me I will be there for him.

When someone lies and cheats you it may takes years for amends to be made because there is a level of trust that is no longer there. We all know that the foundation of every relationship is based on mutual trust and respect. Without trust and respect there is nothing and trust and respect is so hard to earn back once it has been burned. Again I will quote my mom who used to always say, "It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation and 15 seconds to destroy it." Once I was accused of spreading some gossip about a very dear friend of mine. No matter how much I denied the accusation the bridge was burned and this friend cut me off. I spent years and I do mean years sending her birthday and holiday cards with long letters to her and her husband begging their forgiveness. I never gave up and she was always close to me in my heart. Finally, one day we ran into each other by accident and we both began to cry. We cried for the lost years, for the hurt feelings, for our love of one another, and for the blessing that fate had brought us back together again.

So, we all make mistakes. Phyllis Theroux reminds us, "Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom." When we learn from our mistakes it always makes us wiser.  And Eli Siegel will affirm, "If a mistake is not a stepping stone, it is a mistake." So each mistake we make gets us closer to our truth. Each mistake is a stepping stone making us wiser for the future. To teach us what NOT TO DO in new situations and new relationships. When we look at our mistakes in this way then we can look at our mistakes as the Universe's way of teaching us new things and getting us ready for what lies ahead. I love this anonymous quote, "Never say, "oops" Always say "Ah, interesting."  

I wish you all good luck this week in making amends for the mistakes you have made. I hope for you that you all find many happy endings and good lumber to rebuild. Remember, it may take time (even years), but if you are sincere and you really do care then never give up. "When there is a will there is a way." - Anonymous

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." - Mary Pickford

Tip 53 is on The Ten Commandments.  With Passover and Easter just passing us what a great time to look at the Ten Commandments. God asks us to follow ten simple rules which if each and every person on the planet followed we would certainly all get along a whole lot better. The Ten Commandments are not complicated or hard to understand. They are laid out simply for us all to read and understand. There is no possible misinterpretation or gray areas. How many of them do you follow? Think about how you live your life and see how many of God's Ten Commandments you actually follow.

Do not have any other Gods before me. That seems pretty basic and simple to understand. Do you notice what it doesn't say? It doesn't say we all have to pray to that God in the same way!! What difference does it make how we honor God? What difference does it make if we are Jewish or Catholic? God is God - the same God to each and every person. If one wants to follow one path to God and another wants to follow a different path to God, what difference does it make as long as we all get to God one way or the other.

You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down and worship them. Many people have false idols that they bow down to. I am not sure why, but some people even worship their "things". A new fast sports car comes to mine or a very fast sleek new boat. People worship their things as if they bring some meaning to their existence or say something of their value. Things and/or idols cannot bring you closer to God or make you more worthy. Humility brings you closer to God.

You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord our God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. This one is probably harder for some than for others. Many of us use God's name in vain quite by accident and sometimes out of habit. Even "Oh God" depending on the voice inflection could be a prayer to God or using his name in vain. Be aware of this throughout your day and see how many times you see yourself doing this. Sometimes, just bringing it to your attention can assist in eliminating this from your life. This one is an easy one to work on.

For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work - you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. This is a hard one for many. I know I have a hard time shutting down and turning off. Even when I am "resting" I am often reading, writing, or listening to something else, anything else, than just doing nothing. Being idle and doing nothing is the hardest one for me. I like to stay busy and even on my best day off I am usually in my garden tending to my orchids. Is this labour?? Who knows!!!

Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. Let me just say that for those of you out there who still have a mother and father to honor you are beyond blessed. I miss my parents every single day and would do anything to have them back here so that I could honor them just one more day. For the men out there who are reading this - please, please, please, I am begging you - call your parents. Learn to forgive and forget if you are angry or feel suffocated by your parents. They are doing the very best they know how to do. Appreciate them for what they can give and forgive them for what they cannot give.

You shall not kill/murder. This one is very easy for me and I think I can rest knowing I am not someone who would resort to murder. I must admit, there are days when I wish my ex would drop dead. I would be lying if I said anything different, but actually causing his death is another thing entirely. When I am hurt by someone or angry at someone I always try to remember 2 basic principles that I live by: (1) what goes around comes around - one way or the other, (2) I will never stoop to their level. Two wrongs never made a right and regardless of how badly someone mistreats me does not mean I have permission to do the same. I must honor my own ethical code of conduct and so must you.

You shall not commit adultery. We all know someone who has committed or is committing adultery. This is probably one of the hardest of the commandments for some. Why? Some of us cannot resist temptation. Some of us seek the thrill of being bad or of getting caught. Some of us just don't think at all. I can tell you from experience it does not feel good when it happens to you. I can only speak from my own ethical values and I can say that I never ever ever want to be the other woman. When I go before the pearly gates of heaven I do not want a scarlet letter next to my name.

You shall not steal. Pretty basic huh? So why do you think that so many people break this commandment? Our jails and prisons are full of people who steal. There are the bad hardened criminals, the car jackers, the bank robbers, and the white collar crimers. People are greedy and needy all in the same breath. People are jealous and green with envy of people who have achieved success. Many people forget to look at how hard someone worked to get what they have. There is no fast track to success. Most successful people have worked their tails off to get to their success. They have sacrificed and suffered to pursue their dreams and aspirations. Put the same amount of energy into learning a trade and perhaps you will find your own success and not have to steal from others.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. No lying!!!! Plain and simple. This one doesn't need a whole lot of explanation. Bearing false witness is like getting the royal screw! My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." Bearing false witness is off the charts. Unless you are 100% certain of something it is better to leave it alone. Believe only 50% of what you actually see with your own eyes and less than that for things that you just hear. Each time something is repeated it gets a little more distorted. Who knows what the actual truth is. Once a rumor starts it is almost impossible to stop.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. So those of you who thought since you are not married you could not commit adultery - well guess what - can't covert the neighbors wife either!!! Mind your own business and stay out of the business of your neighbor. Live and let live another words and keep to your own property.

I am challenging all of you to look upon your own lives. Look deep within the choices you have made and are currently making. Look to see how you can clean things up so that you too can follow these ten simple commandments. Good luck.

“The minute a thing is long and complicated it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood."

Tip 63 is on Gossip.  I do try very hard not to gossip, but I must admit I am guilty of it just like the rest of you. It is very hard to live in this world and have friends, but not to gossip at all.  What would there be to talk about. No matter which friend I am with there is always the question, "So, have you heard from so and so lately?" And the gossip begins. Not always in a bad way, but it does begin nevertheless. My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." That is something that I agree with, but then we must ask the question what is nice vs. not nice. You just have to love this quote by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If your haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." But all kidding aside, we all want to catch up with our friends and fill each other in on all the "drama" or "gossip" or "events" in our common friends' lives.

I recently had lunch with my daughter Jamie, we were discussing her very good unnamed friend who she felt broke a confidence by discussing her personal relationship issues with another friend. What the unnamed friend said was the truth - there were no lies. I am not so sure that what was said was said with malice, just matter of fact. But the fact that she was discussed made my daughter feel betrayed. I love Oscar Wilde's spin on it, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." So the question becomes, "When is it gossip and when is it just matter of fact conversation?" If it wasn't meant with malice then is it really gossip? If it was said in a loving concerned way does it mean something different? Or does it even matter? What if Barbara Walters is right, "Show me someone who never gossips, and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people."

Everyone loves juicy gossip, except my dear friend Sara. Everytime I am with Sara she absolutely refuses to gossip and makes it perfectly clear that she is not interested in talking about anyone who is not there to defend themselves. I often catch myself about to say something and then I hold back. There are so many more important things to talk about. Right? I think this anonymous quote is appropriate, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Clearly, there are so many more things that we can talk about. I so love when my friends are able to push me to be better - to be one of the great minds. I challenge all of you this week to catch yourself gossiping and stop yourself. Change the topic and discuss an idea or even a current event. See how you do and let me know.

Most of us are familiar with the 3 moneys that sit next to each other. One has his eyes covered, one has his mouth covered, and one has his ears covered. "See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil." Much of what we gossip about is undocumented, unverified, HERESAY (as they say in the legal world). I love this jewish proverb, "What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth." How do we know what we are saying or what we are hearing is really the truth. I have heard in family court, "there is his side, her side, and the truth." Unfortunately, once gossip is spoken it is almost impossible to contain it or unspeak it. "So take everything you hear with a grain of salt, remember that where there is smoke there is fire, and do not repeat anything you would not sign your name to." Please above all remember this Turkish proverb, "Who gossips to you, will gossip of you."

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." - Miguel Angel Ruiz

“The world has a habit of making room for the person whose words and actions show that they know where they're going." - Napoleon Hill

Tip 61 is on Guerrilla Goal Getting. Guerrilla Goal Getting is a concept and subsequent workshop that I created that has turned into a huge success. Think about the word Guerrilla and the definition from my favorite dictionary, Webster's New World College Dictionary, "warfare carried on by guerrillas; any member of a small defensive force of irregular soldiers, usually volunteers, making surprise raids especially behind the lines of an invading enemy army; of or by guerrillas, characteristic of guerrillas; undercover, clandestine or radical, subversive."  I just love this definition and I think that many of you would agree that sometimes it might take some Guerrilla action to get things accomplished - to actually reach our goals - to ultimately achieve our dreams. WOW!!! Mark Twain once said, "The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is found in their perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit."

So, Guerrilla Goal Getting is a group of focused, determined and committed participants whose purpose is to set goals, communicate those goals to the other participants (Guerrillas), and devise a plan with the help of the group to achieve those goals. Now read the quote again from above, "The world has a habit of making room for the person whose words and actions show that they know where they're going." That quote is worth repeating twice because I am a firm believer that if you speak a new reality you will manifest a new reality. As soon as you can get clear on what your goal is and communicate that goal to others the world starts to shift and provide for you what you need to make that goal a reality. Lawrence J. Peter once said, "If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else." The power of Guerrilla Goal Getting starts with writing down your goals, but then continues with the ability to communicate those goals to others who are totally committed to having you achieve your goals. You now have a team or an army or board members who are there to help you reach your goals.

The Guerrilla Goal Getting group meets once per week to talk about their goals. They will report their progress and admit their defeats. The group will then brainstorm and mastermind together to come up with ideas, suggestions, and solutions to overcoming obstacles, dealing with setbacks, resolving issues that may never have gotten resolved if not for the team of Guerrillas. I love this quote by Henry Ford, "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." Obstacles are always less scary when you have a team of people committed to helping you overcome that obstacle. The group was not started to be a referral group, but it amazes me how many referrals actually get passed on a weekly basis. The support from the members of the group is astounding - we all support each others' charities, business functions and speaking engagements. We all helped Toby win the Delray Beach Chamber weight loss contest, we all attended the ballet when Chim invited us, and when Leslie and Sue did a talk at the library we all were there to offer our support. Love this quote by Oliver North, "Our purpose is not to complain about the steepness of the climb, but to help each other on the way that is often difficult and sometimes perilous, And in the end, all that we do should not be done to glorify ourselves, but to serve others."

So how are you doing with your goals for 2011? At the end of last year did you look to see what you wanted to accomplish for the new year? Do you have a goal in mind that you are hoping to achieve? Diana S. Hunt reminds us that, "Goals are dreams with deadlines." And Larry Elder reminds us, "A goal without a plan is just a wish." The end of the first quarter is coming on March 31. This is a great time to evaluate your progress and perhaps reshape your plan if necessary. Setting goals is one of the best things that you can do for yourself. Successful people do not just arrive - they have worked long and hard in the past to get to where they are today. I love this quote by Beverly Sills, "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."  Remember, this is not a dress rehearsal. This is your life and no one is going to knock on your door and hand you your dream on a silver platter.  Each and every one of us is responsible for reaching our own goals and achieving our own dreams. The time is now.

I am attaching an annual goal planning sheet for your to get started with (CLICK HERE). Each one of your goals should have its own personal action plan. Please feel free to call and schedule a one hour coaching session if you need help of any kind. Because I am so committed to having all of you achieve your dreams, for Goal Setting purposes only I am offering my coaching at half price !!!! Only $175.00 per hour if you need my assistance to creating a plan to have your dreams come true. Please feel free to call the toll free number listed at the top of this email. The time is now, as Anthony Robbins said, "How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?" Let me help you set up a plan for today so you can make your dreams a reality. Take a minute to think about what it is that you want to accomplish this year. Another way of looking at it is - close your eyes, take a few deep breathes, think about if you could do anything that you dreamed of doing what would that be? T.S. Eliot said this best, "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."  My own personal dream is to reach out to students of all ages. This is what I am passionate about. I want to take my Keynote: 10 Achievement Attributes for Success in College and Beyond into the college and university market and speak to students and parents at Orientation and Career Day activities. So the question becomes, what is it I need to do to make this happen? My dream will never become a reality unless I start to speak my dream to others and come up with an action plan to make it happen.

Be prepared to hit roadblocks, obstacles and adversities. It is not "if" they happen, but "when" they happen. I promise you success is not always easy. We only hear about people and businesses once they actually become successful. The road to success is long and bumpy and it is only the strong, the survivors, and the heroines who come back from defeat time after time to follow their dream and persevere. Jack Penn once said, "One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks." This is the power of the Guerrilla Goal Getting group. Please contact me if you are interested in joining a Guerrilla Goal Getting group here in South Florida. There are 2 groups up and running and another 2 in formation. If you want to start a group in your area please contact me for more information on how to get started. I will provide the manuals and the roadmap for starting and maintaining a successful group in your area.

“Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success." - Vincent van Gogh

“Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement, and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook which eventually leads to success."        - Brian Adams 

“Mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction." - John Crosby