Tammy's Tips

"If you have intergrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan Simpson

Tip 76 asks the question: "Who Are You?" This is a great follow up after last week's question "Where Have You Been?" So I ask all of you, "Who Are You?" I really love this anonymous quote, "Character is what you are in the dark." I have often said that "Character is who is looking back at you when you look in the mirror." Character is also the legacy that you leave to your children. It is who you are 20 or 30 years from now when someone meets one of your children and the person says, Wow, I knew your mother when..., What they say and how they view you is the character of what you have left behind. Every single decision, every single choice, and every single business dealing reflects upon who we are and how we are perceived by others. How do you want to be perceived?

Salman Rushdie once said, "Our lives teach us who we are." Our character is built with every experience and every issue that comes our way. After closing my title company a friend came to me about a closing my office handled that was missing doc stamps and now the county was calling her to collect. The bill was $2400 and I took that money out of my personal checking account to make sure she had nothing to worry about and I had nothing out there that could potentially tarnish my good reputation. The damage she could have caused me had I not done the right thing was not worth the money out of pocket. When my title company first opened I was offered all kinds of title work if I passed cash under the table. Tempting yes, but, NO THANKS. I really don't need my children to come visit me in prison.That is not the legacy I want to leave to my children. Many years ago when I was just starting out in law I had my first commercial contract. I called another lawyer that I knew to ask for some guidance and was told to figure it out for myself. Pretty nasty and still 12 years later I am still talking about and never once sent her a referral. That lesson taught me to always share my wealth (knowledge, referrals, forms, employees, advice) with others, there IS enough to go around, and always always always help and mentor those just starting out. Lessons in character appear every single day in many different ways. What do you want others to say about you 12 years later.

So who are you? Are you someone who is there to help a friend out that is in need? My dear friend Laura told me to call George at South County when I was having trouble getting all my observations for Family Law Mediation Certification. She said, "tell him you are my friend." I did just as she suggested and got right in. That is what good friends are all about. Another friend named Laura just lost her job. She works in the event planning industry. She is looking for something in hospitality or corporate event planning. I am attaching her resume because that is the kind of friend I am. When it comes to friends there are sometimes challenges and when you truly believe in someone nothing and I do mean nothing can sway me. I am a very loyal friend and a friend for life. My dear friend Marni just opened a virtual paralegal service, anyone out there that can use her expert services please call her at 561-716-1111 or go to  www.expertlegalassistance.com. Friends are there for each other. They help each other out, give each other advice and listen to the same story over and over again just because. Remember, "To have good friends you must be a good friend."

Who are you in the office? Are you an employee that just gets by hoping not to be found out. Are you someone who takes home office supplies or makes personal calls on company time? Trust me when I tell you, you are not fooling anyone but yourself. Successful people - the ones who climb to the top - they don't hide out and they go above and beyond their duties to impress anyone and everyone to climb the ladder of success. Let's hope they work for the right employers. What kind of boss are you? Do you do the right thing? Take care of your employees? Make them feel needed and appreciated? A true sign of a good employer is when the employees who leave still say great things about you. They are crying on their way out because they loved working for you. They actually do keep in touch. Only you can answer these questions. Remember this quote by Theodore Roosevelt, "Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike."

My life has not been easy the last 2 years, but I have not broken. I just keep going because that is who I am. Character is what defines you when the chips are really down and life is not going your way.  Friedrich Nietzche said it best, "What someone is, begins to be revealed when his talent abates, when he stops showing us what he can do." Just this week on the news I saw a homeless mother and her child looking for shelter in the Florida cold snap. My heart broke to think she is out there with no place to sleep. Here I have this big house with empty beds and it just doesn't seem right. I called my friend Cindy who works with her church to help foster small families when they become homeless. Please send me a single mom. I need to help - I need to do the right thing. Next week I will be meeting with the church officials and hopefully soon I can reach out to a single mom in need. That is the kind of person that I am and the kind of person that I want to teach my son to be. This is my legacy.

"The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can' fight back." - Abigail van Buren (Dear Abby)

Tip 74 is on Family. What is your meaning of the word "family"? Family means different things to different people. Some people consider family their little unit of members. Mother, father, brothers and sisters. Others consider family to extend outward to include grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Still others think the people they work with are like family and there are even those that consider their pets family too. None of the definitions are right or wrong, they just reflect your viewpoint on the topic. My personal definition of family which I explain to my 10 year old son; "family is who we are related to by blood, by marriage, and by choice." I think that covers all of the above. I do know one thing, the world would be a very lonely place without people in our lives that we share a mutual unconditional love with. I love this M*A*S*H quote by Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich."

My fondest memories of growing up on Long Island are of the times that I spent with my family. Not just my parents and brothers, but all 7 of my first cousins and my aunts, uncles and grandparents. Dr. Joyce Brothers confirmed this when she said, "When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." The happy memories I have growing up with all my cousins around me makes me travel back to New York on a regular basis so that my son can have these great bonding memories with his first cousins too. This is a great quote by George Bernard Shaw, "What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." These memories are what bonds a family - it's the glue that keeps it together. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my family. Although, if they are reading this - it would be really nice if you made a small effort to come and visit me in Florida from time to time. LOL  xxoxx

Family, as we once knew it, has changed dramatically now that more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Many men and women go on to marry again and begin to introduce new members into the family dynamics. We now have step parents and step siblings that through marriage become our family too. My grandfather passed away when I was 3 and my grandmother remarried when I was 5. My grandfather had 3 children and they became my aunts and uncles and their children my cousins. We NEVER said the word STEP in my family and even though my grandparents are gone, we are all still very close. Desmond Tutu once said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." I feel beyond lucky to be able to call them my family. This experience gave me the tools to be a great stepmother to my future ex-husband's children. I am divorcing him, but not my stepchildren.

Family by choice is one of my favorites. When you love someone unconditionally, what happens when they are divorced from your family? Do you divorce them too? There may be some family members you are happy to be rid of and others that you are happy to keep. I like this anonymous quote, "Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts." My son recently asked me, "Is Aunt Marcy still my Aunt?" His father's brother just recently divorced Aunt Marcy and my son was naturally confused. I explained to him that Aunt Marcy is still your Aunt because that is what we choose. Family by choice is precious in all aspects. My best friend Ilana is like a sister to me. I never had a sister so I choose Ilana. When my son was born Ilana was right beside me in the hospital and she was named his Godmother. From that day forward, she became Aunt Ilana - she is family by choice. The definition of family is taking on new meaning in today's world with the economy struggling. Single moms are cohabitating, older children moving back in with their parents sometimes out of need and sometimes to care for the parents. Sharing expenses, lowering expenses, helping with child rearing. Every day I hope that my friend Alys and I become roommates - helping to raise our children together. Remember, "It takes a village to raise a child."

When it comes to the workplace, consider yourself very lucky if you truly feel these people are like family. There is much competition and back stabbing that goes along with work relationships. Bosses are often unappreciative and are only concerned with what have you done for me lately. I have often felt used, demoralized and under appreciated when working for others. When I opened my own law firm and title company I made a promise to myself to always make my employees feel appreciated. What better way to motivate someone than to treat them with respect and appreciation. Most of the relationships I have had during my working years have not gone the distance after one of us parted ways, but there are a few still intact that made the work experience worthwhile.I would hope that your work relationships are more like this quote from Dr. Phil McGraw, "There is an interconnectedness among members that bonds the family, much like mountain climbers who rope themselves together when climbing a mountain, so that if someone should slip or need support, he's held up by the others until he regains his footing." This is a great definition of team work.

"In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by the numbers of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit." - Marge Kennedy 

“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character." - Dale E. Turner

Tip 70 is on Making Amends. We have discussed burning bridges more than once so today let's tackle making amends. Let's face it we all screw up at one time or another. We make poor choices, impulsive decisions, think with the wrong head, forget where our loyalties lie, gossip about someone we care about and the list goes on and on. The most important thing about making mistakes is our ability to admit that we have made them and learn from them. John Powell said it best, "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." 

So once we admit we have made the mistake what do we do next? Somehow we try to make things right. It sounds easy right? It is not always as easy as it sounds. Making amends may not always be received as we had hoped, especially if we hurt this person we are trying to make amends with more than once. My mom used to always say, "Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me." So depending on how bad the mistake was or how often you have made the same or similar mistakes will determine how easy it is to actually make amends.

Our children often say and do things that hurt and disappoint us. Most, if not all, children lie while they are growing up. I have found it much easier to forgive my children for their mistakes because of my unconditional love. Recently I had an issue with one of my adult sons and was very hurt and expressed my hurt to my son. He did not take it too seriously and really made no effort to mend the bridge that he had burned. He needed me to rescue him from a bad situation last week and I gave tough love my best shot and said NO. It was not easy, but it is a lesson that he needs to learn. I hope in the upcoming weeks he goes to work on mending our bridge so that the next time he needs me I will be there for him.

When someone lies and cheats you it may takes years for amends to be made because there is a level of trust that is no longer there. We all know that the foundation of every relationship is based on mutual trust and respect. Without trust and respect there is nothing and trust and respect is so hard to earn back once it has been burned. Again I will quote my mom who used to always say, "It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation and 15 seconds to destroy it." Once I was accused of spreading some gossip about a very dear friend of mine. No matter how much I denied the accusation the bridge was burned and this friend cut me off. I spent years and I do mean years sending her birthday and holiday cards with long letters to her and her husband begging their forgiveness. I never gave up and she was always close to me in my heart. Finally, one day we ran into each other by accident and we both began to cry. We cried for the lost years, for the hurt feelings, for our love of one another, and for the blessing that fate had brought us back together again.

So, we all make mistakes. Phyllis Theroux reminds us, "Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom." When we learn from our mistakes it always makes us wiser.  And Eli Siegel will affirm, "If a mistake is not a stepping stone, it is a mistake." So each mistake we make gets us closer to our truth. Each mistake is a stepping stone making us wiser for the future. To teach us what NOT TO DO in new situations and new relationships. When we look at our mistakes in this way then we can look at our mistakes as the Universe's way of teaching us new things and getting us ready for what lies ahead. I love this anonymous quote, "Never say, "oops" Always say "Ah, interesting."  

I wish you all good luck this week in making amends for the mistakes you have made. I hope for you that you all find many happy endings and good lumber to rebuild. Remember, it may take time (even years), but if you are sincere and you really do care then never give up. "When there is a will there is a way." - Anonymous

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." - Mary Pickford

Tip 53 is on The Ten Commandments.  With Passover and Easter just passing us what a great time to look at the Ten Commandments. God asks us to follow ten simple rules which if each and every person on the planet followed we would certainly all get along a whole lot better. The Ten Commandments are not complicated or hard to understand. They are laid out simply for us all to read and understand. There is no possible misinterpretation or gray areas. How many of them do you follow? Think about how you live your life and see how many of God's Ten Commandments you actually follow.

Do not have any other Gods before me. That seems pretty basic and simple to understand. Do you notice what it doesn't say? It doesn't say we all have to pray to that God in the same way!! What difference does it make how we honor God? What difference does it make if we are Jewish or Catholic? God is God - the same God to each and every person. If one wants to follow one path to God and another wants to follow a different path to God, what difference does it make as long as we all get to God one way or the other.

You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down and worship them. Many people have false idols that they bow down to. I am not sure why, but some people even worship their "things". A new fast sports car comes to mine or a very fast sleek new boat. People worship their things as if they bring some meaning to their existence or say something of their value. Things and/or idols cannot bring you closer to God or make you more worthy. Humility brings you closer to God.

You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord our God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. This one is probably harder for some than for others. Many of us use God's name in vain quite by accident and sometimes out of habit. Even "Oh God" depending on the voice inflection could be a prayer to God or using his name in vain. Be aware of this throughout your day and see how many times you see yourself doing this. Sometimes, just bringing it to your attention can assist in eliminating this from your life. This one is an easy one to work on.

For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work - you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. This is a hard one for many. I know I have a hard time shutting down and turning off. Even when I am "resting" I am often reading, writing, or listening to something else, anything else, than just doing nothing. Being idle and doing nothing is the hardest one for me. I like to stay busy and even on my best day off I am usually in my garden tending to my orchids. Is this labour?? Who knows!!!

Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. Let me just say that for those of you out there who still have a mother and father to honor you are beyond blessed. I miss my parents every single day and would do anything to have them back here so that I could honor them just one more day. For the men out there who are reading this - please, please, please, I am begging you - call your parents. Learn to forgive and forget if you are angry or feel suffocated by your parents. They are doing the very best they know how to do. Appreciate them for what they can give and forgive them for what they cannot give.

You shall not kill/murder. This one is very easy for me and I think I can rest knowing I am not someone who would resort to murder. I must admit, there are days when I wish my ex would drop dead. I would be lying if I said anything different, but actually causing his death is another thing entirely. When I am hurt by someone or angry at someone I always try to remember 2 basic principles that I live by: (1) what goes around comes around - one way or the other, (2) I will never stoop to their level. Two wrongs never made a right and regardless of how badly someone mistreats me does not mean I have permission to do the same. I must honor my own ethical code of conduct and so must you.

You shall not commit adultery. We all know someone who has committed or is committing adultery. This is probably one of the hardest of the commandments for some. Why? Some of us cannot resist temptation. Some of us seek the thrill of being bad or of getting caught. Some of us just don't think at all. I can tell you from experience it does not feel good when it happens to you. I can only speak from my own ethical values and I can say that I never ever ever want to be the other woman. When I go before the pearly gates of heaven I do not want a scarlet letter next to my name.

You shall not steal. Pretty basic huh? So why do you think that so many people break this commandment? Our jails and prisons are full of people who steal. There are the bad hardened criminals, the car jackers, the bank robbers, and the white collar crimers. People are greedy and needy all in the same breath. People are jealous and green with envy of people who have achieved success. Many people forget to look at how hard someone worked to get what they have. There is no fast track to success. Most successful people have worked their tails off to get to their success. They have sacrificed and suffered to pursue their dreams and aspirations. Put the same amount of energy into learning a trade and perhaps you will find your own success and not have to steal from others.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. No lying!!!! Plain and simple. This one doesn't need a whole lot of explanation. Bearing false witness is like getting the royal screw! My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." Bearing false witness is off the charts. Unless you are 100% certain of something it is better to leave it alone. Believe only 50% of what you actually see with your own eyes and less than that for things that you just hear. Each time something is repeated it gets a little more distorted. Who knows what the actual truth is. Once a rumor starts it is almost impossible to stop.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. So those of you who thought since you are not married you could not commit adultery - well guess what - can't covert the neighbors wife either!!! Mind your own business and stay out of the business of your neighbor. Live and let live another words and keep to your own property.

I am challenging all of you to look upon your own lives. Look deep within the choices you have made and are currently making. Look to see how you can clean things up so that you too can follow these ten simple commandments. Good luck.

“The minute a thing is long and complicated it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood."

“Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others." - William J. H. Boetcker

“None of us got where we are solely by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.  We got here because somebody - a parent, a teacher, an Ivy League crony or a few nuns - bent down and helped us pick up our boots."- Thurgood Marshall

“We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." _ Tad Williams

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." -Anonymous
"He who burns his bridges better be a damn good swimmer." - Proverb

“Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering invovled, not in the victory itself." - Mahatma Gandi