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Mentors

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, February 22, 2011

“Mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction." - John Crosby

Tip 59 is on Mentors. If you are someone who is lucky enough to have found good mentors in your life then you are a very lucky person. Mentors have the ability to change a persons reality. Sometimes, even when you don't believe in yourself a good mentor who does believe in you can swoop in and save the day. It was my mother who first told me I could anything I set my mind to, but it was my Papa Joe who really believed in me. He would look at me with these knowing looks and tell me, "Kid, I have faith in you. I know that you could do it." I always went to Papa Joe when I needed advice and guidance and he was always quick to offer me support. He even offered to pay my home mortgage during my first year in law school because he believed in me and wanted to contribute. My Aunt Jackie paid for all my books during law school - she too was so proud of me and wanted to show her support. On graduation day - I was the one who earned the JD degree, but I could not have done it without the emotional and financial support of my grandparents, parents and extended family.

Successful people quickly realize that there is no express train to the top of the ladder. It takes hard work and the quick advice of many mentors along the way. Navigating the road to success does not come without roadblocks, obstacles and set backs. Many of the mistakes we make cost us money, business, and sometimes even relationships. Finding the right mentors to help guide you through can sometimes make all the difference. James A. Autry once said, "Make something of yourself. Try your best to get to the top, if that's where you want to go, but know that the more people you try to take with you, the faster you'll get there, and the longer you'll stay there." Once you are at the top giving that knowledge to others helps groom the next generation for success. Marsha Blackburn said it best, "Everyone has a transferable commodity - knowledge. Sharing your unique expertise and making introductions for someone creates a lasting legacy."

My very dear friend Richie was my very first business mentor. He really taught me everything he knew about selling. He taught me the art of selling. Drawing them in, filling a need, and even getting to the close. The skills that he taught me 30 years ago are still with me every single day. It has made me a better lawyer, a better speaker, and a better mentor. Helping others to be the best that they can be has been very rewarding. Benjamin Disraeli has said, "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches but to reveal to him his own." I have mentored many over the years especially the daughters of my dear friends who were thinking of law school. I am quick to forward resumes and letters of recommendation. Anything I can do to help someone else achieve their own dreams brings me enormous pleasure. Remember this quote by Winston Churchill, "We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."

In business we always need good mentors. I often encourage others to seek out their biggest competitor to ask them for their secrets to success. You would be surprised how much your competition is willing to share with you. Andy Rooney said it best, "I've learned that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am." Only once in my whole career, did another female lawyer tell me to use my brain when I asked for some help with my first commercial real estate contract. I though she was beyond rude and I never once sent her a referral, but I learned the importance of mentoring others. I love this Japanese proverb, "Better than a thousand days of diligent study is one day with a great teacher." If someone you know needs a little help, please don't tell them to use their brain. They are calling you and asking for help because their brain cannot yet comprehend the material.

As parents it is important to act as a mentor to your children. Forget the do as I say not as I do stuff. That won't work in today's society and the best way to teach our children is through example. Walk your talk and tow the line. Earvin "Magic" Johnson once said, "All kids need a little help, a little hope, and someone who believes in them." Be a parent not a friend when necessary and most importantly teach your children respect and appreciation. Two very valuable moral qualities that will help them to search out mentors in their lives, appreciate those mentors, and then hopefully if they learned how to share, share those lessons with others. Remember this anonymous quote, "A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because some else thought they could."

“One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people." - Dick Gregory

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Consideration

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, February 08, 2011

“Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others." - William J. H. Boetcker

Tip 57 is on Consideration. The word consideration can be used in a multitude of ways. Webster's New World College Dictionary defines the word consideration as follows: "the act of considering; careful thought or attention; deliberation; thoughful or sympathetic regard for others; something that is, or should be considered; a thought or opinion produced by consideration; regard, esteem, importance; a recompense, as for services rendered, fee, compensation; something of value given in exchange for something of value given or done by another, inducement for a contract." WOW!!! For purposes of this Tip we are going to focus on consideration of others - more specifically, thoughful or sympathetic regard for others.

So are you someone who is considerate of others? In order to be considerate of others we must be thoughtful of another or be able to sympathize with them. Didn't Confucius once say, "Do not judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes."? When I became a full time step mother and someone from the outside would criticize me, especially the in-laws, I would say, you try raising 3 children who don't belong to you and see how easy it is. People can easily cast stones or pass judgment without first being empathetic and considerate of the person they are judging. I am a firm believe in trying to really imagine what it would be like to be in that person's shoes - how would I react to their circumstances, how would I communicate and what would I say? Confucius also said, "Consideration for others is the basic of a good life, a good society."

Consideration is very important in business. Owners of companies always need to be considerate of their staff as well as considerate of their vendors. Let's also not forget how important it is to be considerate of the patrons that bring income to the business. I am sure if you are a business owner you have heard the saying, "The customer is always right." That sounds like red carpet consideration or said a different way, conderation at its finest. Even when we are faced with an unhappy client sometimes all it takes is a little consideration of the client's woes and they immediately feel appreciated. We all want to feel appreciated and when we are considerate of others they cannot help but feel appreciated. I have always found that instead of asking someone to do something for me it always sounded better asking someone for help to do something. When your staff see that you too are willing to pitch in and help they are much more likely to fully participate and embrace the team spirit. Margaret Chase Smith said,"Every human being is entitled to courtesy and consideration. Constructive criticism is not only to be expected but sought."

Sometimes we form strong opinions and stand strong in our positions. Consideration of others sometimes means hearing other peoples' opinions and trying them on, like a sweater, before completely dismissing their point of view. I am someone who is very strong in their opinions and I can often bump heads with someone who is also strong in their opposing position. We can argue till the cows fly over the moon and it doesn't mean that I am right and they are wrong. It also does not mean that I am wrong and they are right. All it means is that we have opposing views and we are each entitled to our own beliefs. We can agree to disagree. Better yet, how about agreeing to sleep on it for a day or too. Perhaps a little more research is needed. Perhaps speaking to a few other people can help to clarify some issues. I love this quote by Benjamin Franklin, "For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged, by better information or fuller consideration, to change opinions, even on important subjects, which I once though right but found to be otherwise." So even sometimes, we may change our minds after careful consideration. Wow - how awesome is that.

Consideration in family relationships is always important too. Remember this quote by Bryant H. McGill, "Courteousness is consideration for others; politeness is the method used to deliver such considerations." Children must have consideration for their parents and parents need to have consideration for their children. Most important is in marriages - it is so very important to have consideration for your spouse. Failing to have consideration could destroy any marriage. So children must be taught to respect their parents, tell the truth, and follow the rules of the household. Parents worry and regardless of how old you are you are still your mother's baby. So remember to call your mom when she is sitting home waiting for you. Just a small little effort can make a mom feel appreciated because you are being considerate. Same goes for parents and their children. Do not expose your children to things or people that are not good for them, tell your children the truth - they know when you are lying, be respective of their needs and wants so when your daughter invites you to the school dance know that it is really important to her. Consideration of a spouse is a must and I am sure that the happiest and longest marriages are built on mutual trust, respect and consideration.

When we go back and look at The Ten Commandments - they are basic human rules for a harmonious existence. Those commandments set out rules for everyone to follow so that the people of the world can co-exist together. These ten simple rules are so basic that every single person can follow them if they so desire. Just imagine...., everyone on earth following the ten commandments, everyone living in harmony, everyone being considerate of each other. I love this quote by Dwight D. Eisenhower, "Though force can protect in emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace."

“A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference." - Winnie the Pooh

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Being Careful

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, February 01, 2011

“Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nuture your dreams." - Lao Tzu

Tip 56 is on Being Careful. Are you someone who tends to be careful and cautious or are you someone that jumps in with both feet and throws caution to the wind? There is a good arguement for both perspectives. Webster's New World College Dictionary defines the word careful as follows, "acting or working in a thoughtful, painstaking way; cautious, wary, or guarded." And the word carefree as, "free from troubles or worry." I do believe that there is a time to be careful and a time to be carefree. Feeling carefree is a gift that we should all enjoy whenever we can and it is usually a reward that we get from being careful. Ben Franklin once said, "Distrust and caution are the parents of security." It is only when we feels most secure that we can throw caution to the wind and enjoy a carefree moment.

As a lawyer it is really my job to look for all the things that can go wrong. It is our job as attorneys to let our clients know what is their worst case scenario. We are trained to look at the upside and weight it against the downside. It is our job to make sure that the client knows the worst possible outcome of each decision they make so that they can make an educated decision. I try hard not to be this pessimistic in my real world, but when a client pays you to play the devils advocate it is our ethical responsibility to perform. Ralph Waldo Emerson will remind us, "A man is usually more careful of his money that he is of his principles."

In business we are always cautious. Buying businesses, taking in partners, hiring employees, and securing vendors. It's a risky business out there and checking out the reputation of the people we do business with makes perfect sense. With today's technology everyone's information is just a click away on Google. The Better Business Buereau and Daily Business Review have all their records available on line. Court records and deeds are all public documents that are now available on line at most court houses throughout the United States. When is comes to financial matters we need to be as careful as possible. Not only do we consult our lawyers, but we now consult our CPA's, financial planners, and our estate planners. Unfortunately, no matter how careful we are are many of life's lessons end up costing us money. Do your best to try and learn the expensive lessons from the mistakes of others. Remember this by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Every step of life shows much caution is required." I think that is another way of saying the older we get the more jaded we become.

As a parent I am always cautioning my children to be careful. We start when they are very young. Don't touch the stove, look both ways when you cross. Be careful!! We are worried for our children and don't want them to get hurt. Even as adults our parents are worried and still tell us to be careful. Adam's mom Joan just told him to be careful when he told her all about me this past week. I have heard the same advice as well from my well meaning friends and family. Joan doesn't know me and my friends don't know Adam, but everyone says the same thing, "We are so happy for you. Go slow, be careful." When it comes to matters of the heart it is so much harder to be careful. The excitement and the hope take over and just sweep you off your feet. Aren't we all looking for ever lasting love?? Bertrand Russell once said, "Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." Yet e.e.cummings reminds us, "Be of love a little more careful than of anything." I would like to think that what he meant was that once you find love be careful with it, preserve it and cherish it so that you don't lose it. Sorry Joan, it's too late - if it doesn't work out it will probably hurt, but if it does work out - G-d bless and thank you Lisa.

“It is better to err on the side of daring than the side of caution." - Alvin Toffler

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Burning Bridges

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, January 11, 2011

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." -Anonymous
"He who burns his bridges better be a damn good swimmer." - Proverb

Tip 53 is on Burning Bridges. To burn or not to burn is the question? Are you someone who burns bridges or you someone who never burns a bridge. I am sure that we have already talked about this topic once before, but we can all think about this topic again. For me, I am a firm believer in never burning bridges. I have come to learn in my life that you just never know when you might need to cross that bridge again and if you burn it you can never go back. Of course, there are always circumstances that might warrant such drastic action, but those are far and few.

So, why burn the bridge in the first place? There could be many reasons to burn a bridge, but we should exam the reasons. Make a list of all the people in your life that you have cut off - never to be spoken to again. Jot a note beside each name to see why you have decided to burn that bridge. If someone wronged you: slept with your spouse, stole money from your accounts, etc., you are justified. "If you hurt me once shame on you, but if you hurt me twice shame on me." We can cut those people out that lie, cheat and steal. Who needs their bad karma around us? You can also eliminate people who treat others with no respect. I once had a friend that I met through another couple. We would go out together as couples for dinner. Every single time we went out this friend would be nasty to the restaraunt personnel, rude to the valet and then spend most of the night emasculating her husband. FInally, after about 5-6 dinners with this couple I refused to go out with them anymore. Believe it or not when she asked why I told her the truth.

A lot of times we burn bridges because we don't get our way and we get angry. Elliott Larson said it best, "Anger always comes from frustrated expectations." Hearing the word "no" can really set a lot of people off and then we say or do things out of anger that has the potential to burn the bridge even if it's not what we intended. This often happens with the people we love most - like our children. This past week one of my children was finally moving out and getting his own place. He is 21 years old and when his dad and I got married he was 9 and he and his siblings came to live with me. This past year he has been living with me even though his dad has not. When I asked him to move out because things were not really working out for me he got angry and told me I am not his mother, never will be his mother, and never ever to call him again. He is lucky I love him unconditionally or I may have allowed him to burn that bridge. Unfortunately, he took advantage and didn't really appreciate the opportunity I provided living home with me. He felt entitled. I love this quote by Marian Wright Edelman, "Don't feel entitled to anything you didn't sweat and struggle for." And here is a great quote from William James, "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." Regardless, be careful of cutting people of your life just because you couldn't get your way.

Sometimes we burn bridges in business. The most common mistake is burning a relationship with one of our customers. Trust me when I tell you there is no amount of money in the world that you could pay to counteract bad press from even one other person out there carrying a vendetta. The price you would need to pay to make the customer happy and satisfied is so much less than the damage one unhappy customer is capable of doing. Always, always, always try to go the extra mile to satifisy even the most difficult of customers. Sometimes it's not fair and the customer is not right, but it is so much better to have a happy customer than to have an unhappy one. In business, the customer is always, always, always right. Remember this quote by Dennis Wholey, "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegitarian." Life isn't always fair and sometimes we need to come out of pocket to make someone happy.

“Maturity is: The ability to stock with a job until it's finished; The abilility to do a job without being supervised; The ability to carry money without spending it; and The ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even." - Abigail Van Buren

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Manifestation

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, December 14, 2010

“The more clear and definite you make your picture then, and the more you dwell upon it, bringing out all its delightful details, the stronger your desire will be, and the stronger your desire, the easier it will be to hold your mind fixed upon the picture of what you want." Wallace D. Wattles

Tip 51 is on Manifestation. Some definitions of the word "manifest" from the Webster's New World College Dictionary are, "palpable, evident; to make clear, show plainly, reveal; to show itself." Sounds like magic, but it is as simple as this quote by Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't you are right." I don't know about you, but I would much prefer to think I can all of the time. I can create my own reality and I choose that reality to be one that revolves around the basic concept of "I can".

The first step in manifesting your dreams is to write them down. Once you commit your dreams to paper they become a real goal that you can now break down into steps necessary to achieving your dream. Remember this quote by Napoleon Hill, "Whatever your mind can conceive and can believe, it can achieve." What is it that you want to manifest in 2011. Even Pablo Picaso once said, "Everything you can imagine is real." Is it a new job, a new relationship, more income, or better health? Sit down and think of your dream situation and then commit it to paper. Goals are really just dreams with a time line. Mark Victor Hansen said, "You control your future, your destiny. What you think about comes about. By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands - your own." If you really want to up the ante I recommend that you share your written dream with at least one person. I am a firm believer in the more people you tell the more chances for success. Another great thing about sharing your dreams is getting feedback from those that support you. Ignore the naysayers at all costs and fill your world with those who are there to offer positive feedback, suggestions, and key connections for helping you manifest your dreams.

Anything is possible. Wayne Dyer has said, "The power of intention is the power to manifest, to create, to live a life of unlimited abundance, and to attract into your life the right people at the right moments." When I decided to go back to work I knew exactly the type of job I wanted. I decided I wanted to do marketing for a law firm, work from the house, work 25 hours a week, home by 3:00 so I could help my son with his homework, and work with a firm who had a stellar reputation. I knew exactly who to call, founding partner, Ronda Ellis, who was thrilled to have me on board. Not only did I get exactly what I wanted, I love what I am doing and love the people I work for at Ellis, Ged & Bodden, P.A. The power of intention is amazing if you truly believe that you are worthy to reap the rewards. This year I want to work on getting more paid speaking engagements, finalizing my divorce, and figure out a way to stay in my home. All things are possible if you believe them to be so. Carl Sandburg said, "Nothing happens but first a dream."

There will be obstacles in your path. There will be naysayers who tell you that you can't succeed, won't succeed, and the best one, you will never make any money doing that. Don't listen to those people. Most of them never believed they could reach their own dreams, so why should you be able to reach yours. James Allen said, "A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardner of his soul, the director of his life." Don't let others rip away your dreams. If you are passionate about something, if it brings you great joy, then follow your true desires and miracles will happen. Watch out for past history playing a part in your future. You may have tried other things in the past that may not have worked out as you expected. Use those as learning experiences to succeed in the future, not as reasons to stop you from following a new dream. I love this quote by Eckhart Tolle,"The past has no power over the present moment." Unless you try, one shall never know. It is better to try and fail that to never have tried at all.

I wish for you all that you wish for in 2011.

“Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement." - Florence Scovel Shinn

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Making A Difference

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, December 07, 2010

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." - Edward Everett Hale

Tip 50 is on Making a Difference. Do you believe that you can make a difference in the world? Do you believe that just one person can make a difference? I am a firm believer that each and everyone of us can make a difference in the world. William James once said, "Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." Michelle Rhee is a shining example of someone who believes that she can make a difference. This week's Tip is being dedication to Michelle Rhee who is an inspiration to all of us and someone that I have a tremendous amount of respect for given the fact that she is willing to take a risk, take a stand, make a commitment, and invite us all along for the ride to radically change how the United States Educational System is run. For those of you who don't know Michelle Rhee, please make sure to Google her. In summary, she is the former Chancellor of Schools for Washington D.C. and since her recent resignation has turned down numerous job opportunities even one from the White House. On December 6, 2010, Michelle announced the launch of her new foundation called Students First (www.studentsfirst.org). Michelle has some radical and controversial ideas about how to fix the broken system and I for one am committed to helping her achieve her goal. Anne Frank once said, "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

Back in 1977 when Werner Erhardt launched the Hunger Project our first goal was getting people to take the pledge that they wanted to have Hunger end on the planet. Michelle is heading down the same path, asking us to take a PLEDGE and take a stand saying that we are committed to seeing changes in the educational system so that our children get a better education. Each and every one of taking a pledge really speaks volumes to the powers that be. Leo Rosten once said, "The purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." Think about that quote and let it really sink in.

Back in 1977 Werner gave me this unbelievable quote by George Bernard Shaw, and it is now one of my favorites:

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no "brief candle" to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

All you need to know is this: The Program for International Student Assessment (PISA) provided the results of a 2009 study given to 15 year olds in 65 of the world's most industrialized nations and the United States scored 17th in reading, 23rd in science, and 31st in math. How can that be when we are supposed to be the greatest nation in the world? How can our young students compete when they are already at such a disadvantage? What is wrong with the way we are educating our students today and what can we do to make changes before it's too late? There is a lot you can do!! Remember this great quote by Sydney Smith, "It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little - do what you can." So, what can you do? First, you can go to the Students First website (www.studentsfirst.org) to read more about the study and Michelle's plans to make things right. Then you could sign the PLEDGE declaring your commitment to making changes to the education system so that our students have a better chance to compete with students from other world nations. Finally, you can share this information with as many people as you can, just as I am doing here with you today. Mark Twain once said,"The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is found in their perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit." Michelle started this movement, but it is up to each and everyone of us to help her dream of providing a better education to our students come to fruition.

Please feel free to do more, do whatever it is that you can. I love this quote by Mohammed Ali, "Service to others is the rent you pay for room here on earth." As a speaker I am in front of audiences all the time. I am able to share this message on a regular basis. This past Monday, my friend, family law and appeals attorney and former Mayor of Coral Springs, Scott Brook (www.scottjbrookpa.com) invited me to a PNA meeting at Mythos, a delicious Greek restaurant in Coral Springs, Florida (www.mythosrestaurant.com) to hear my dear friend and colleague Kellie Kuecha (www.kelliekuecha.com) speak about branding. Scott allowed me a few moments to make an announcement where I shared about Students First. Gil Sternbach, the owner of Mythos, he not only made the pledge, but he offered his restaurant for grass root meetings. WOW!!! Congratulations to Mythos!! Remember, this quote by Winston Churchill, "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." Thanks to all of you for your support. On Tuesday at Toastmasters I used Students First during my turn at Topics Master. I asked them all to take the pledge. What ever you can give it adds to the momentum and just taking the pledge helps Michelle reach her goals.

“I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." - William Penn

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Partnership At Its Finest

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, September 21, 2010

“If we are together nothing is impossible. If we are divided all will fail."
- Winston Churchill

Tip 40 is on Partnership At Its Finest. The best partnerships are like marriage and the best marriages are like a strong partnership. Finding the right partner is business or marriage is not easy, but when the connection is right anything is possible. When looking for the right partner it is important especially in business to look for those who are strong where you are weak. Great partners know how to leverage the strengths of their partnership for maximum results. Great partners appreciate one another, rely on each other and help to motivate the other.

There are all kinds of partnerships. Aristotle once said, "Friendship is essentially a partnership."  Think about the friends you have; some of them are funny and some of them are resourceful. There are friends that will help you move and friends that you can call at 3:00 am. There are friends for all occasions and we learn to love our friends for who they are and for who they are not. Partnerships operate in the same way. Not everyone can be like you, act like you or do something the way you would do it. So we learn to tolerate each other, to have empathy for one another and to accept each others weaknesses.

I have a partnership with my children. Although I am the leader of the pack so to speak, I have created a partnership with them. I try not to dictate or control them because I want them to make their own decisions and learn from their own successes and failures. I can't do it for them - there is no short cut to growing up. I believe in the 3 R's of raising children. Create the Rules for the partnership, Reward your children for following the Rules and create Ramifications in they don't. Just like in a partnership there is always a partnership agreement. Joyce Maynard has said, "It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we can with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself."  So with children as with partners we must set a good example and walk our talk.

Of course there are the formal business partners. This could either be the best partnership in the world or the worst. I have seen marriages end and friendships combust when they go into business together. One of the best partnerships in business I can think of is Bill Gates and Paul Allen. Together they built the largest computer company in the world. They were able to work together in a cohesive way that promoted each of their strengths to make Microsoft a huge success. They were also able to create partnerships with IBM which really catapulted them to a new level. Bill Gates himself has been quoted as saying, "Our success has really been based on partnerships from the very beginning." Their success was based on mutual respect and appreciation of the other. You have heard me say before, "No one who reaches the top got their by themselves."  We all needs partnerships, alliances and joint efforts to help us make our dreams a reality.

Last but definitely not least is the marriage partnership. This is a partnership intended to last a lifetime. Spending a lifetime with one other person will take much hard work and persistence. One of my favorite marriage quotes by Barbara De Angelis is, "Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day."  Successful marriages like any partnership thrive on appreciation, mutual respect, good communication and trust. (For any of you local here in sunny South Florida, my friend Tim Kellis is offering a FREE marriage workshop - see information listed below).

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership." - Ann Landers

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Forgiveness

Tammy Saltzman - Tuesday, September 14, 2010

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." - Catherine Ponder

Tip 39 is on Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very difficult subject. When we are hurt it is sometimes so very hard to forgive. Yet, most people will tell you that forgiveness sets you free. How do you forgive? How do you forgive and forget? I have found a place within myself to achieve forgiveness, but there is no way that I can forget. My Aunt Joan used to always say, "You hurt me once shame on you, you hurt me twice shame on me." I think that although I have found the ability to forgive and I never been able to forget. John F. Kennedy once said, "Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names."

We learn forgiveness from our parents. We would inevitably do something wrong and even though there was a consequence to our actions our parents still loved us unconditionally (or I hope at least that was your experience). I see that I have learned the lesson well because I unconditionally love my children. I may not always like their choices or agree with there decisions, but I do love them no matter what. Actually, forgiving my parents after years of holding onto old resentments really was the culmination and highlight of all my inner work thus far. Coming to the realization that my parents did the best they could and loved me as much as they were possibly capable of loving allowed me to remove a huge burden I had been carrying around for years. Forgiving my parents allowed for me to start having healthier relationships. Paul Boese once said, "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

We have all had experiences where someone has done us wrong, stabbed us in the back, betrayed a confidence or was not there for us when we needed them. In a spiritual sense I always try to remember that our hand always faces in and that most people are always looking out for themselves. It is rare to meet someone who will ALWAYS put your needs in front of their own. So we get hurt, enraged and disappointed and then go on with our lives getting to be right about our feelings, justifying to others why we are no longer speaking to that person and quite often deep inside we miss them. Remember this quote by Mahatma Ghandi, "The weak never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." This is a great quote and one that I reflect on often. I do consider myself a strong person and therefore, I too can forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or acceptance. It does not mean that we want that person back in our lives again. It just means that we want to move on. We want to unburden the load we have been carrying around and let go of the anger that we feel. It is our choice to forgive and we don't necessarily even have to tell the other person that we are forgiving them. However, Oscar Wilde has said, "Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much." and Isaac Friedmann said, "Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge."

Either way I can personally attest to the fact that forgiveness can set you free. It can also be a game that you play. I believe, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." There have been many times that I have met people who needed some TLC or what I refer to as killing them with kindness. I am also firm believer in never ever stooping to someone else's level. I always want to come out on top with my integrity in check smelling like a rose. And when all else fails, take pity on your opponent.

“Forgiveness will not be possible until compassion is born in your heart." - Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

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