Tammy's Tips

Tip 74 is on Family. What is your meaning of the word "family"? Family means different things to different people. Some people consider family their little unit of members. Mother, father, brothers and sisters. Others consider family to extend outward to include grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Still others think the people they work with are like family and there are even those that consider their pets family too. None of the definitions are right or wrong, they just reflect your viewpoint on the topic. My personal definition of family which I explain to my 10 year old son; "family is who we are related to by blood, by marriage, and by choice." I think that covers all of the above. I do know one thing, the world would be a very lonely place without people in our lives that we share a mutual unconditional love with. I love this M*A*S*H quote by Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich."

My fondest memories of growing up on Long Island are of the times that I spent with my family. Not just my parents and brothers, but all 7 of my first cousins and my aunts, uncles and grandparents. Dr. Joyce Brothers confirmed this when she said, "When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." The happy memories I have growing up with all my cousins around me makes me travel back to New York on a regular basis so that my son can have these great bonding memories with his first cousins too. This is a great quote by George Bernard Shaw, "What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." These memories are what bonds a family - it's the glue that keeps it together. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my family. Although, if they are reading this - it would be really nice if you made a small effort to come and visit me in Florida from time to time. LOL  xxoxx

Family, as we once knew it, has changed dramatically now that more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Many men and women go on to marry again and begin to introduce new members into the family dynamics. We now have step parents and step siblings that through marriage become our family too. My grandfather passed away when I was 3 and my grandmother remarried when I was 5. My grandfather had 3 children and they became my aunts and uncles and their children my cousins. We NEVER said the word STEP in my family and even though my grandparents are gone, we are all still very close. Desmond Tutu once said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." I feel beyond lucky to be able to call them my family. This experience gave me the tools to be a great stepmother to my future ex-husband's children. I am divorcing him, but not my stepchildren.

Family by choice is one of my favorites. When you love someone unconditionally, what happens when they are divorced from your family? Do you divorce them too? There may be some family members you are happy to be rid of and others that you are happy to keep. I like this anonymous quote, "Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts." My son recently asked me, "Is Aunt Marcy still my Aunt?" His father's brother just recently divorced Aunt Marcy and my son was naturally confused. I explained to him that Aunt Marcy is still your Aunt because that is what we choose. Family by choice is precious in all aspects. My best friend Ilana is like a sister to me. I never had a sister so I choose Ilana. When my son was born Ilana was right beside me in the hospital and she was named his Godmother. From that day forward, she became Aunt Ilana - she is family by choice. The definition of family is taking on new meaning in today's world with the economy struggling. Single moms are cohabitating, older children moving back in with their parents sometimes out of need and sometimes to care for the parents. Sharing expenses, lowering expenses, helping with child rearing. Every day I hope that my friend Alys and I become roommates - helping to raise our children together. Remember, "It takes a village to raise a child."

When it comes to the workplace, consider yourself very lucky if you truly feel these people are like family. There is much competition and back stabbing that goes along with work relationships. Bosses are often unappreciative and are only concerned with what have you done for me lately. I have often felt used, demoralized and under appreciated when working for others. When I opened my own law firm and title company I made a promise to myself to always make my employees feel appreciated. What better way to motivate someone than to treat them with respect and appreciation. Most of the relationships I have had during my working years have not gone the distance after one of us parted ways, but there are a few still intact that made the work experience worthwhile.I would hope that your work relationships are more like this quote from Dr. Phil McGraw, "There is an interconnectedness among members that bonds the family, much like mountain climbers who rope themselves together when climbing a mountain, so that if someone should slip or need support, he's held up by the others until he regains his footing." This is a great definition of team work.

"In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by the numbers of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit." - Marge Kennedy 

“It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation and 15 seconds to destroy it." - Carole Zucker

Tip 72 is on The 15 Second Reputation. My mom, Carole Zucker, used to always tell me to guard my reputation. She explained that it takes years of telling the truth and doing the right thing to earn a good reputation in society. She also explained that no matter how good your reputation; one lie, one mean spirited word, one drunken night, could destroy it all for ever. The high school slut is still the slut at the 10, 20 and 30 year reunion. How sad is that !!! So once your reputation is tarnished there is almost no chance of repairing it (Unless you are Charlie Sheen). Ralph Waldo Emerson is quick to remind us, "No change in our circumstances can repair a defect of character." It's those defects in our character that ultimately destroys our reputations. The defects are there no matter how rich or how smart we are. I love this quote by Abraham Lincoln, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but "HOW" they handle adversity says a lot about their character. Clearly, we will all keep waking up to a new day, but it's how you greet the day that really matters.  Are you someone who welcomes the new day or dreads the new day. Mark Twain once said, "A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation." I am a firm believer that you really see a persons character when they are down and out. Tony Robbins has said, "Surmounting difficulty is the crucible that forms character." Do you look at the glass half full or half empty? I am always looking for the lessons in life, but they are not always apparent. Here is another great quote by Fredrich Nietzsche, "Character is determined more by the lack of certain experiences than by those one has had."

On the other hand, experiences is what give us lessons from which to learn. We hope to learn from each of our mistakes and sometimes even the mistakes of others. These life experiences help us make wiser choices, advise others in similar situations and most importantly, it allows us to really experience empathy. Empathy is defined by Webster's New World College Dictionary as "ability to share is another's emotions or feelings." The only way for this to be real you must have had to experience it yourself. When my mom died at such a young age I was certain that I had learned empathy for the loss of a loved one and I would now be able to there for my close friends when they too would eventually experience this great loss. Eleanor Roosevelt reminded us, "People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." Being honest all the time is not easy. Sometimes it is so much easier to just lie. It is those of us out there that are truly committed to living life honestly and courageously that have nothing to hide who can hold their heads up high.

When we think of our reputations, I know that I am hoping others speak of me with respect. Our reputations are really based on what others are saying about us when we are not in the room. It does not matter how much money you have or how smart you are, our character is there for the world to see. Bruce Lee once said, "Knowledge will give you power, but character respect." I am aiming in my life for the respect. There are many things that will affect our reputations and determine how much respect we get in the world. Integrity, Communication, Responsibility and Commitment and how we handle them will affect our reputations. Zig Ziglar often reminds us, "The foundation stones for balanced success are honesty, character, integrity, faith, love and loyalty." We will talk more about Integrity next week.

As you start your day tomorrow I want you to think of this quote by Albert Einstein, "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." It is always a good idea to start the day on a positive note. Life is not always easy bit it is how we handle this life that will reflect on the type of person that we are and ultimately our reputations.

"The man who makes everything that leads to happiness upon himself, and not upon other men, has adopted the very best plan for living happily. This is the man of moderation, the man of manly character and of wisdom." - Plato

Tip 71 is on Gratitude.  I am beyond grateful that today I get to present to you my 71st Tip. How awesome is that? Everyone has heard many times "Count your blessings" well I am here to tell you that counting your blessings is the true key to all happiness in life. Spending time wishing for, hoping for, or waiting for something to happen so that you can be happy is really such a waste of precious time and energy. I am always reminding people, "This is not a dress rehearsal" so why wait to be happy. Why spend time complaining about things we don't have or scores we need to settle? Who really cares? Why not focus on what we do have and be grateful for everything in our life today just as it is NOW. I just love this quote by Epictetus, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."

The moment I start feeling sorry for myself, which I refer to as my "Pity Party" I immediately go into grateful mode. I grab my journal or any piece of paper will do and start writing down all the things for which I am grateful. The list is often the same list from the last time, but nevertheless, I go through the motions and write down my list. Gerald Good reminds us, "If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily." I am grateful for so many things and I much prefer to focus on that. Focusing on the things that I am grateful for brightens my mood, improves my day and gives me this feeling of overall contentment. What are you grateful for? Believe it or not, I am even grateful for my ex-husband. I was blessed with a wonderful son and 3 incredible step children. He provided financially for us allowing me to open my own law firm and title company. I can go on, but I am hoping that you get my point. I would rather focus my energy on all the things that he did good rather than spend my time focusing on all that he did bad. Brain Tracy reminds us, "Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation." 

Expressing gratitude to others is one of the best things you can do to brighten your day. William Arthur Ward once said, "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." Last Friday I spoke for Women's Executive Network and as the members went around the room introducing themselves they complimented the next person before handing over the microphone. Smiles quickly spread around the room with everyone receiving a compliment. Try giving 3 compliments today to anyone around you. Compliment them on anything - their service, their shoes, their hairstyle. Watch as their face lights up and the warm feelings spread through you. In business, complimenting and rewarding your staff for a job well done is the best way to motivate them to work harder for you and go the extra mile. Gratitude and appreciation of others gives them wind beneath their wings. Try it at home with your kids and your spouse. You can read Whale Done if you want some great reading on how to raise children with compliments instead of criticism. Remember this quote by John F. Kennedy, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

 Who are you grateful for? When was the last time that you told them how grateful you were?  Albert Schweitzer said it best, "At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." I am always so grateful for Richie, my best friend and first real business mentor. How about being grateful for those out there that are grateful for us? Dr. Abraham Fischler, someone I admire and respect, is always complimenting me on my Tips and forwarding them to others. I am grateful for him in my life and always love hearing from him. Just this week I got a beautiful card from, Cindy,  a business contact and now good friend, just thanking me for all that I do and the kind of person I am. I am grateful for her in my life too. Let those people in your life know how grateful you are for them - it will make their day. Hazrat Inayet Khan said, "A person however learned and qualified in his life's work in whom gratitude is absent, is devoid of that beauty of character which makes personality fragrant."

The Jewish New Year is upon us and it is a great time of to be grateful for all that we have so that next week we can repent. We are also coming to the end of the 3rd quarter of 2011 and there is much we have already accomplished this year to be grateful for. The good news is that we still have 3 months of the year left to run out and finish whatever is left on our plate that we had hoped to complete before the end of the year. Allow me to motivate you through this great quote from Anthony Robbins, "When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears."  I wish you all abundance in the coming months. L'Shanah Tovah for those celebrating the holiday.

"Gratitude is the least of the virtues, but ingratitude is the worst of vices." Thomas Fuller 

“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character." - Dale E. Turner

Tip 70 is on Making Amends. We have discussed burning bridges more than once so today let's tackle making amends. Let's face it we all screw up at one time or another. We make poor choices, impulsive decisions, think with the wrong head, forget where our loyalties lie, gossip about someone we care about and the list goes on and on. The most important thing about making mistakes is our ability to admit that we have made them and learn from them. John Powell said it best, "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." 

So once we admit we have made the mistake what do we do next? Somehow we try to make things right. It sounds easy right? It is not always as easy as it sounds. Making amends may not always be received as we had hoped, especially if we hurt this person we are trying to make amends with more than once. My mom used to always say, "Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me." So depending on how bad the mistake was or how often you have made the same or similar mistakes will determine how easy it is to actually make amends.

Our children often say and do things that hurt and disappoint us. Most, if not all, children lie while they are growing up. I have found it much easier to forgive my children for their mistakes because of my unconditional love. Recently I had an issue with one of my adult sons and was very hurt and expressed my hurt to my son. He did not take it too seriously and really made no effort to mend the bridge that he had burned. He needed me to rescue him from a bad situation last week and I gave tough love my best shot and said NO. It was not easy, but it is a lesson that he needs to learn. I hope in the upcoming weeks he goes to work on mending our bridge so that the next time he needs me I will be there for him.

When someone lies and cheats you it may takes years for amends to be made because there is a level of trust that is no longer there. We all know that the foundation of every relationship is based on mutual trust and respect. Without trust and respect there is nothing and trust and respect is so hard to earn back once it has been burned. Again I will quote my mom who used to always say, "It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation and 15 seconds to destroy it." Once I was accused of spreading some gossip about a very dear friend of mine. No matter how much I denied the accusation the bridge was burned and this friend cut me off. I spent years and I do mean years sending her birthday and holiday cards with long letters to her and her husband begging their forgiveness. I never gave up and she was always close to me in my heart. Finally, one day we ran into each other by accident and we both began to cry. We cried for the lost years, for the hurt feelings, for our love of one another, and for the blessing that fate had brought us back together again.

So, we all make mistakes. Phyllis Theroux reminds us, "Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom." When we learn from our mistakes it always makes us wiser.  And Eli Siegel will affirm, "If a mistake is not a stepping stone, it is a mistake." So each mistake we make gets us closer to our truth. Each mistake is a stepping stone making us wiser for the future. To teach us what NOT TO DO in new situations and new relationships. When we look at our mistakes in this way then we can look at our mistakes as the Universe's way of teaching us new things and getting us ready for what lies ahead. I love this anonymous quote, "Never say, "oops" Always say "Ah, interesting."  

I wish you all good luck this week in making amends for the mistakes you have made. I hope for you that you all find many happy endings and good lumber to rebuild. Remember, it may take time (even years), but if you are sincere and you really do care then never give up. "When there is a will there is a way." - Anonymous

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." - Mary Pickford

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." -Anonymous
"He who burns his bridges better be a damn good swimmer." - Proverb

Tip 53 is on The Ten Commandments.  With Passover and Easter just passing us what a great time to look at the Ten Commandments. God asks us to follow ten simple rules which if each and every person on the planet followed we would certainly all get along a whole lot better. The Ten Commandments are not complicated or hard to understand. They are laid out simply for us all to read and understand. There is no possible misinterpretation or gray areas. How many of them do you follow? Think about how you live your life and see how many of God's Ten Commandments you actually follow.

Do not have any other Gods before me. That seems pretty basic and simple to understand. Do you notice what it doesn't say? It doesn't say we all have to pray to that God in the same way!! What difference does it make how we honor God? What difference does it make if we are Jewish or Catholic? God is God - the same God to each and every person. If one wants to follow one path to God and another wants to follow a different path to God, what difference does it make as long as we all get to God one way or the other.

You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down and worship them. Many people have false idols that they bow down to. I am not sure why, but some people even worship their "things". A new fast sports car comes to mine or a very fast sleek new boat. People worship their things as if they bring some meaning to their existence or say something of their value. Things and/or idols cannot bring you closer to God or make you more worthy. Humility brings you closer to God.

You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord our God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. This one is probably harder for some than for others. Many of us use God's name in vain quite by accident and sometimes out of habit. Even "Oh God" depending on the voice inflection could be a prayer to God or using his name in vain. Be aware of this throughout your day and see how many times you see yourself doing this. Sometimes, just bringing it to your attention can assist in eliminating this from your life. This one is an easy one to work on.

For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work - you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. This is a hard one for many. I know I have a hard time shutting down and turning off. Even when I am "resting" I am often reading, writing, or listening to something else, anything else, than just doing nothing. Being idle and doing nothing is the hardest one for me. I like to stay busy and even on my best day off I am usually in my garden tending to my orchids. Is this labour?? Who knows!!!

Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. Let me just say that for those of you out there who still have a mother and father to honor you are beyond blessed. I miss my parents every single day and would do anything to have them back here so that I could honor them just one more day. For the men out there who are reading this - please, please, please, I am begging you - call your parents. Learn to forgive and forget if you are angry or feel suffocated by your parents. They are doing the very best they know how to do. Appreciate them for what they can give and forgive them for what they cannot give.

You shall not kill/murder. This one is very easy for me and I think I can rest knowing I am not someone who would resort to murder. I must admit, there are days when I wish my ex would drop dead. I would be lying if I said anything different, but actually causing his death is another thing entirely. When I am hurt by someone or angry at someone I always try to remember 2 basic principles that I live by: (1) what goes around comes around - one way or the other, (2) I will never stoop to their level. Two wrongs never made a right and regardless of how badly someone mistreats me does not mean I have permission to do the same. I must honor my own ethical code of conduct and so must you.

You shall not commit adultery. We all know someone who has committed or is committing adultery. This is probably one of the hardest of the commandments for some. Why? Some of us cannot resist temptation. Some of us seek the thrill of being bad or of getting caught. Some of us just don't think at all. I can tell you from experience it does not feel good when it happens to you. I can only speak from my own ethical values and I can say that I never ever ever want to be the other woman. When I go before the pearly gates of heaven I do not want a scarlet letter next to my name.

You shall not steal. Pretty basic huh? So why do you think that so many people break this commandment? Our jails and prisons are full of people who steal. There are the bad hardened criminals, the car jackers, the bank robbers, and the white collar crimers. People are greedy and needy all in the same breath. People are jealous and green with envy of people who have achieved success. Many people forget to look at how hard someone worked to get what they have. There is no fast track to success. Most successful people have worked their tails off to get to their success. They have sacrificed and suffered to pursue their dreams and aspirations. Put the same amount of energy into learning a trade and perhaps you will find your own success and not have to steal from others.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. No lying!!!! Plain and simple. This one doesn't need a whole lot of explanation. Bearing false witness is like getting the royal screw! My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." Bearing false witness is off the charts. Unless you are 100% certain of something it is better to leave it alone. Believe only 50% of what you actually see with your own eyes and less than that for things that you just hear. Each time something is repeated it gets a little more distorted. Who knows what the actual truth is. Once a rumor starts it is almost impossible to stop.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. So those of you who thought since you are not married you could not commit adultery - well guess what - can't covert the neighbors wife either!!! Mind your own business and stay out of the business of your neighbor. Live and let live another words and keep to your own property.

I am challenging all of you to look upon your own lives. Look deep within the choices you have made and are currently making. Look to see how you can clean things up so that you too can follow these ten simple commandments. Good luck.

“The minute a thing is long and complicated it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood."

Tip 63 is on Gossip.  I do try very hard not to gossip, but I must admit I am guilty of it just like the rest of you. It is very hard to live in this world and have friends, but not to gossip at all.  What would there be to talk about. No matter which friend I am with there is always the question, "So, have you heard from so and so lately?" And the gossip begins. Not always in a bad way, but it does begin nevertheless. My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." That is something that I agree with, but then we must ask the question what is nice vs. not nice. You just have to love this quote by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If your haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." But all kidding aside, we all want to catch up with our friends and fill each other in on all the "drama" or "gossip" or "events" in our common friends' lives.

I recently had lunch with my daughter Jamie, we were discussing her very good unnamed friend who she felt broke a confidence by discussing her personal relationship issues with another friend. What the unnamed friend said was the truth - there were no lies. I am not so sure that what was said was said with malice, just matter of fact. But the fact that she was discussed made my daughter feel betrayed. I love Oscar Wilde's spin on it, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." So the question becomes, "When is it gossip and when is it just matter of fact conversation?" If it wasn't meant with malice then is it really gossip? If it was said in a loving concerned way does it mean something different? Or does it even matter? What if Barbara Walters is right, "Show me someone who never gossips, and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people."

Everyone loves juicy gossip, except my dear friend Sara. Everytime I am with Sara she absolutely refuses to gossip and makes it perfectly clear that she is not interested in talking about anyone who is not there to defend themselves. I often catch myself about to say something and then I hold back. There are so many more important things to talk about. Right? I think this anonymous quote is appropriate, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Clearly, there are so many more things that we can talk about. I so love when my friends are able to push me to be better - to be one of the great minds. I challenge all of you this week to catch yourself gossiping and stop yourself. Change the topic and discuss an idea or even a current event. See how you do and let me know.

Most of us are familiar with the 3 moneys that sit next to each other. One has his eyes covered, one has his mouth covered, and one has his ears covered. "See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil." Much of what we gossip about is undocumented, unverified, HERESAY (as they say in the legal world). I love this jewish proverb, "What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth." How do we know what we are saying or what we are hearing is really the truth. I have heard in family court, "there is his side, her side, and the truth." Unfortunately, once gossip is spoken it is almost impossible to contain it or unspeak it. "So take everything you hear with a grain of salt, remember that where there is smoke there is fire, and do not repeat anything you would not sign your name to." Please above all remember this Turkish proverb, "Who gossips to you, will gossip of you."

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." - Miguel Angel Ruiz

“Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement, and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook which eventually leads to success."        - Brian Adams 

“Mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction." - John Crosby

“Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others." - William J. H. Boetcker