Tammy's Tips

“It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation and 15 seconds to destroy it." - Carole Zucker

Tip 72 is on The 15 Second Reputation. My mom, Carole Zucker, used to always tell me to guard my reputation. She explained that it takes years of telling the truth and doing the right thing to earn a good reputation in society. She also explained that no matter how good your reputation; one lie, one mean spirited word, one drunken night, could destroy it all for ever. The high school slut is still the slut at the 10, 20 and 30 year reunion. How sad is that !!! So once your reputation is tarnished there is almost no chance of repairing it (Unless you are Charlie Sheen). Ralph Waldo Emerson is quick to remind us, "No change in our circumstances can repair a defect of character." It's those defects in our character that ultimately destroys our reputations. The defects are there no matter how rich or how smart we are. I love this quote by Abraham Lincoln, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but "HOW" they handle adversity says a lot about their character. Clearly, we will all keep waking up to a new day, but it's how you greet the day that really matters.  Are you someone who welcomes the new day or dreads the new day. Mark Twain once said, "A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation." I am a firm believer that you really see a persons character when they are down and out. Tony Robbins has said, "Surmounting difficulty is the crucible that forms character." Do you look at the glass half full or half empty? I am always looking for the lessons in life, but they are not always apparent. Here is another great quote by Fredrich Nietzsche, "Character is determined more by the lack of certain experiences than by those one has had."

On the other hand, experiences is what give us lessons from which to learn. We hope to learn from each of our mistakes and sometimes even the mistakes of others. These life experiences help us make wiser choices, advise others in similar situations and most importantly, it allows us to really experience empathy. Empathy is defined by Webster's New World College Dictionary as "ability to share is another's emotions or feelings." The only way for this to be real you must have had to experience it yourself. When my mom died at such a young age I was certain that I had learned empathy for the loss of a loved one and I would now be able to there for my close friends when they too would eventually experience this great loss. Eleanor Roosevelt reminded us, "People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." Being honest all the time is not easy. Sometimes it is so much easier to just lie. It is those of us out there that are truly committed to living life honestly and courageously that have nothing to hide who can hold their heads up high.

When we think of our reputations, I know that I am hoping others speak of me with respect. Our reputations are really based on what others are saying about us when we are not in the room. It does not matter how much money you have or how smart you are, our character is there for the world to see. Bruce Lee once said, "Knowledge will give you power, but character respect." I am aiming in my life for the respect. There are many things that will affect our reputations and determine how much respect we get in the world. Integrity, Communication, Responsibility and Commitment and how we handle them will affect our reputations. Zig Ziglar often reminds us, "The foundation stones for balanced success are honesty, character, integrity, faith, love and loyalty." We will talk more about Integrity next week.

As you start your day tomorrow I want you to think of this quote by Albert Einstein, "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." It is always a good idea to start the day on a positive note. Life is not always easy bit it is how we handle this life that will reflect on the type of person that we are and ultimately our reputations.

"The man who makes everything that leads to happiness upon himself, and not upon other men, has adopted the very best plan for living happily. This is the man of moderation, the man of manly character and of wisdom." - Plato

Tip 53 is on The Ten Commandments.  With Passover and Easter just passing us what a great time to look at the Ten Commandments. God asks us to follow ten simple rules which if each and every person on the planet followed we would certainly all get along a whole lot better. The Ten Commandments are not complicated or hard to understand. They are laid out simply for us all to read and understand. There is no possible misinterpretation or gray areas. How many of them do you follow? Think about how you live your life and see how many of God's Ten Commandments you actually follow.

Do not have any other Gods before me. That seems pretty basic and simple to understand. Do you notice what it doesn't say? It doesn't say we all have to pray to that God in the same way!! What difference does it make how we honor God? What difference does it make if we are Jewish or Catholic? God is God - the same God to each and every person. If one wants to follow one path to God and another wants to follow a different path to God, what difference does it make as long as we all get to God one way or the other.

You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down and worship them. Many people have false idols that they bow down to. I am not sure why, but some people even worship their "things". A new fast sports car comes to mine or a very fast sleek new boat. People worship their things as if they bring some meaning to their existence or say something of their value. Things and/or idols cannot bring you closer to God or make you more worthy. Humility brings you closer to God.

You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord our God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. This one is probably harder for some than for others. Many of us use God's name in vain quite by accident and sometimes out of habit. Even "Oh God" depending on the voice inflection could be a prayer to God or using his name in vain. Be aware of this throughout your day and see how many times you see yourself doing this. Sometimes, just bringing it to your attention can assist in eliminating this from your life. This one is an easy one to work on.

For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work - you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. This is a hard one for many. I know I have a hard time shutting down and turning off. Even when I am "resting" I am often reading, writing, or listening to something else, anything else, than just doing nothing. Being idle and doing nothing is the hardest one for me. I like to stay busy and even on my best day off I am usually in my garden tending to my orchids. Is this labour?? Who knows!!!

Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. Let me just say that for those of you out there who still have a mother and father to honor you are beyond blessed. I miss my parents every single day and would do anything to have them back here so that I could honor them just one more day. For the men out there who are reading this - please, please, please, I am begging you - call your parents. Learn to forgive and forget if you are angry or feel suffocated by your parents. They are doing the very best they know how to do. Appreciate them for what they can give and forgive them for what they cannot give.

You shall not kill/murder. This one is very easy for me and I think I can rest knowing I am not someone who would resort to murder. I must admit, there are days when I wish my ex would drop dead. I would be lying if I said anything different, but actually causing his death is another thing entirely. When I am hurt by someone or angry at someone I always try to remember 2 basic principles that I live by: (1) what goes around comes around - one way or the other, (2) I will never stoop to their level. Two wrongs never made a right and regardless of how badly someone mistreats me does not mean I have permission to do the same. I must honor my own ethical code of conduct and so must you.

You shall not commit adultery. We all know someone who has committed or is committing adultery. This is probably one of the hardest of the commandments for some. Why? Some of us cannot resist temptation. Some of us seek the thrill of being bad or of getting caught. Some of us just don't think at all. I can tell you from experience it does not feel good when it happens to you. I can only speak from my own ethical values and I can say that I never ever ever want to be the other woman. When I go before the pearly gates of heaven I do not want a scarlet letter next to my name.

You shall not steal. Pretty basic huh? So why do you think that so many people break this commandment? Our jails and prisons are full of people who steal. There are the bad hardened criminals, the car jackers, the bank robbers, and the white collar crimers. People are greedy and needy all in the same breath. People are jealous and green with envy of people who have achieved success. Many people forget to look at how hard someone worked to get what they have. There is no fast track to success. Most successful people have worked their tails off to get to their success. They have sacrificed and suffered to pursue their dreams and aspirations. Put the same amount of energy into learning a trade and perhaps you will find your own success and not have to steal from others.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. No lying!!!! Plain and simple. This one doesn't need a whole lot of explanation. Bearing false witness is like getting the royal screw! My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." Bearing false witness is off the charts. Unless you are 100% certain of something it is better to leave it alone. Believe only 50% of what you actually see with your own eyes and less than that for things that you just hear. Each time something is repeated it gets a little more distorted. Who knows what the actual truth is. Once a rumor starts it is almost impossible to stop.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. So those of you who thought since you are not married you could not commit adultery - well guess what - can't covert the neighbors wife either!!! Mind your own business and stay out of the business of your neighbor. Live and let live another words and keep to your own property.

I am challenging all of you to look upon your own lives. Look deep within the choices you have made and are currently making. Look to see how you can clean things up so that you too can follow these ten simple commandments. Good luck.

“The minute a thing is long and complicated it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood."

Tip 63 is on Gossip.  I do try very hard not to gossip, but I must admit I am guilty of it just like the rest of you. It is very hard to live in this world and have friends, but not to gossip at all.  What would there be to talk about. No matter which friend I am with there is always the question, "So, have you heard from so and so lately?" And the gossip begins. Not always in a bad way, but it does begin nevertheless. My mom used to always say, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." That is something that I agree with, but then we must ask the question what is nice vs. not nice. You just have to love this quote by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If your haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." But all kidding aside, we all want to catch up with our friends and fill each other in on all the "drama" or "gossip" or "events" in our common friends' lives.

I recently had lunch with my daughter Jamie, we were discussing her very good unnamed friend who she felt broke a confidence by discussing her personal relationship issues with another friend. What the unnamed friend said was the truth - there were no lies. I am not so sure that what was said was said with malice, just matter of fact. But the fact that she was discussed made my daughter feel betrayed. I love Oscar Wilde's spin on it, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." So the question becomes, "When is it gossip and when is it just matter of fact conversation?" If it wasn't meant with malice then is it really gossip? If it was said in a loving concerned way does it mean something different? Or does it even matter? What if Barbara Walters is right, "Show me someone who never gossips, and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people."

Everyone loves juicy gossip, except my dear friend Sara. Everytime I am with Sara she absolutely refuses to gossip and makes it perfectly clear that she is not interested in talking about anyone who is not there to defend themselves. I often catch myself about to say something and then I hold back. There are so many more important things to talk about. Right? I think this anonymous quote is appropriate, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Clearly, there are so many more things that we can talk about. I so love when my friends are able to push me to be better - to be one of the great minds. I challenge all of you this week to catch yourself gossiping and stop yourself. Change the topic and discuss an idea or even a current event. See how you do and let me know.

Most of us are familiar with the 3 moneys that sit next to each other. One has his eyes covered, one has his mouth covered, and one has his ears covered. "See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil." Much of what we gossip about is undocumented, unverified, HERESAY (as they say in the legal world). I love this jewish proverb, "What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth." How do we know what we are saying or what we are hearing is really the truth. I have heard in family court, "there is his side, her side, and the truth." Unfortunately, once gossip is spoken it is almost impossible to contain it or unspeak it. "So take everything you hear with a grain of salt, remember that where there is smoke there is fire, and do not repeat anything you would not sign your name to." Please above all remember this Turkish proverb, "Who gossips to you, will gossip of you."

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." - Miguel Angel Ruiz

“We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." _ Tad Williams

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." -Anonymous
"He who burns his bridges better be a damn good swimmer." - Proverb